Finding Bigfoot

For a long time, I’ve had a strong interest in the creature known as Bigfoot. Ever since my cousin claimed to have encountered it near our family ranch when I was about thirteen, my interest has bordered on being a phobia.


Now don’t get me wrong. Intellectually, I know this creature called ‘bigfoot’ or ‘sasquatch’ doesn’t exist. Most likely, people are mistaking a bear for it. But the thought of encountering one still gives me the willies; so much so that I will probably never go hiking where they (bears) are believed to exist.

So, this brings me to the subject at hand. There’s a new series on Animal Planet called “Finding Bigfoot” that features a group of eccentric Bigfoot hunters who spend an inordinate amount of time trying to track this thing down. In each episode, the four of them creep out into the woods with all sorts of tracking and recording equipment in hopes of obtaining proof of this creature’s existence. (And might I add – a creature that doesn’t exist.)

Like I said, I’m a longtime Bigfoot fan, but these people bug the hell out of me. Here’s a typical episode:

They’re in the woods at night and hear a knock on a tree in the distance. “That sounds like a ‘squatch!” they whisper to each other. (They shorten the name “Sasquatch” to ‘squatch, indicating their extreme familiarity with this creature – a familiarity with something that doesn’t exist.)

They shine an infrared camera across a river and spot the outline of a bear waddling along the bank. But no! That could be a ‘squatch! Because when ‘squatches walk on all fours, they’re often mistaken for bears.

That’s because it is a bear, you fools!

Then, they come across some bear-poo in the forest and start analyzing it to see what the bear ate. Why? Because this will tell them what the ‘squatches are feeding on as well.

No – you’re digging around in bear-poo and now you know what bears enjoy.

They analyze a hiker’s video in which the hiker captured a humanoid shaped thing walking in the distance. “That sure looks like a ‘squatch to me!” they proclaim. “Look how tall it is!”

No, it’s a tall, humanoid-shaped thing because it’s a tall human. Most likely foraging for a Starbucks.

Then, they find some large, human-looking footprints in the mud -- The holy grail. They attempt to rule out that the tracks were caused by a bear. After all, “bear tracks can often be mistaken for those of a ‘squatch . . . .” and on and on we go.

I would really love, just once, for a big ‘squatch to come lumbering out of the forest at these people and just stand right in front of them. Most likely, they would end up leaving behind a good amount of poo for a bear to encounter.

It's a Possum!

Okay, the two hunters had their press conference today revealing their "evidence" of the dead Bigfoot they found.

Of course, they have the body of the dead Bigfoot at an undisclosed location.

Of the three DNA samples that came back, one was inconclusive, one was human and the other was of a possum.

The hunters said that the Bigfoot had probably just eaten a possum.

That's silly!

Everyone knows Bigfoots don't like possums.

Sheesh!

It's Bigfoot Day!

Remember, at noon today, those two guys who claimed they've found a Bigfoot body will have a press conference.

That's noon in California.
2:00 pm Central Time.

It looks like it is a huge hoax, but I'm really interested to see what they're going to say.

Here's an article about it in The Times.

They've Found Bigfoot!

Just a couple of days ago, I mentioned that I have somewhat of a phobia of Bigfoot, the legendary ape-like creature that supposedly stalks the Pacific Northwest.

And wouldn’t you know it, right after I posted that, my brother emailed a news report to me. Apparently, two hunters in Georgia have found a Bigfoot carcass. They’re going to give a press release tomorrow in California at noon (Friday, August 15th).

See? See? I was perfectly justified in my phobia about Bigfoot.

They’ve found one!

Apparently, the carcass stands 7’ 7” and weighs over 500 pounds. It has 26-inch long feet and it’s a male. And his thingy is. . . well. . . . nevermind.

The hunters have said they’ll provide DNA evidence and lots of photos at the press conference, but no actual Bigfoot carcass. Apparently, they’ve been hunting Bigfoot for a long time and have also claimed to have caught one twice before. And they were going to provide evidence a couple of times before.

One of the hunters is trying to sell a documentary called, "Bigfoot Lives" and he also once tried to get TV viewers to shell out $59.95 for pay-per-view footage of a captured Bigfoot.

Those were hoaxes.

But this time, it’s for real they say.

They have the carcass stored in a freezer right now and have provided the following photograph:

Ummmm. That sort of looks like a gorilla suit stuffed into a broken down deep freeze to me.

I'm sure many of you have seen the famous 1967 Patterson film of an encounter with Bigfoot. Click here for an enhanced verson of it.

Frankly, I think that's a man in a monkey suit. Everyone knows Bigfoot doesn't walk like that.

But tomorrow, these guys are going to have a press conference and reveal everything.

So! Tomorrow at noon, folks! Stay tuned.

If it IS an actual Bigfoot, I’m going to have nightmares the rest of my life.

Something tells me I’ll be sleeping well from here on out.

Phobias

Here's an article about folks who have really strange phobias. There's a woman who's afraid of cotton balls, another is afraid of buttons, and one is even afraid of chocolate.

Hmmm. I'm continually amazed at how our little human minds work.

I have an aunt who's afraid of feathers. She has been all her life. One time when I was a kid, my parakeet flew out of its cage and she just lost it. Absolutely freaked out.

I'll admit that I have a phobia about Bigfoot. My cousin claims to have encountered one on our family ranch when he was about thirteen years old. Ever since then, any documentary about Bigfoot just gives me the willies.

One time, a friend of mine wanted us to go skiing in Montana rather than Colorado. I really, really didn't want to go skiing in Montana because that's where a lot of Bigfoot sightings have taken place. He thought I was joking and I sort of made like I was.
But I sort of really was not.

One of my earliest memories was when I was three years old. My parents took me to my little Sunday school class called Sunbeams. If any of you were raised Southern Baptist, you're probably familiar with Sunbeams. It's Sunday school for little-bitty kids.

Anyway, there were wires hanging from a light fixture in the ceiling and I just FREAKED. I can still see those wires coming from that hole in the ceiling. I don't know why that frightened me so much but it did. Maybe I was actually afraid of becoming a Southern Baptist.

It didn't cause any phobia though. I can install track lighting, no problem. It's what My People do.
Other than Bigfoot, I can't think of anything that really freaks me out.

Right now, the Iwanskis are on vacation in Arkansas. (I'm baby-sitting their cats) I know there have been Bigfoot sightings down there and I've warned Iwanski not to go hiking in the woods.

Miss Healthypants just called. They went hiking in the woods.

I'm glad they're okay.

Mars Dodged a Bullet

I turns out that the nasty asteriod won't be hitting Mars after all according to the world's leading geeky scientists.

I am SO relieved!

Not that I care two hoots about Martian activity, but an event like this would have been featured ad nauseum on The Explosion Channel.

It would have taken over all my Geek Channels as well. Bigfoot and UFOs would never be featured again.

I'm relieved.

Bigfoot

My ears perked up last night when I heard the news that someone had supposedly taken a photograph of a Bigfoot creature in Pennsylvania. (see photo)

Then, I thought,

“That’s ridiculous!”

Everyone knows that Bigfoot doesn’t reside anywhere near Pennsylvania!

Bigfoot lives in the Pacific Northwest. Near Lorraine.

Some people are scared of bugs. Not me. I have no problem picking up a big ‘ol cockroach and chasing those people around with it.

Some people freak out over heights. Remember, I live on the “Balcony of Terror” five hundred feet above the ground.

Snakes? Hey, I grew up in Texas. No problem.

But, the idea of encountering a Bigfoot has always frightened me.

Really.

I know, I know. Logically, I know Bigfoot probably doesn’t exist because there’s been no physical evidence; that great apes only survive in equatorial regions, blah, blah, blah, blah!

But, when I go visit Lorraine next month and if they want to go hiking out in the wilderness to pick blueberries or something, I really, really wouldn’t be comfortable doing so.

Really.

So, while I’m in Seattle, I hope to remain in their house which, I understand, is well situated in an urban environment. Everyone knows Bigfoot has never ventured into Seattle. He just lurks around Seattle.

I may be persuaded to visit that market where they throw the fish.

But that’s about it.

My Phobia

I’ll admit it. I have a phobia.

Some people are deathly afraid of heights, some can’t handle being near a snake while others freak out if there’s a spider close by. I recall a documentary about a woman who was horribly afraid of feathers. During a session with her psychologist, he slowly presented a small feather from his desk drawer. The poor woman climbed up on the sofa and began crying uncontrollably. The poor dear.

Not me. I’ve climbed atop a 150 foot tall roller coaster, let a tarantula crawl on me and even held a python (but I didn’t like it).

I used to go skiing every year in Colorado with a friend of mine. Keystone, Crested Butte, etc. One time, he suggested that we try going to Montana instead and I told him I really didn’t want to go there.

“But the skiing in Montana is great,” he said. “It’s a lot less crowded than the resorts in Colorado.”

“I can’t go skiing in Montana,” said I.

“You can’t? Why not? What’s wrong with Montana?”

“Because that’s where Bigfoot has been sighted lots of times.”

He was a little incredulous when I told him I was serious; that I just wouldn’t be comfortable out in the wilderness of Montana. Because of Bigfoot.

Yes, I know it’s irrational. That’s what makes it a phobia. I know, scientifically, that Bigfoot can’t really exist up there. I know there’s no hard evidence of its existence. No bones.
No hair.
No Bigfoot poo.

And regarding the famous 1967 Patterson film, my gosh, even I will admit that’s a guy in a furry suit, though it still gives me the willies. Anyone watching that film knows that Bigfoot doesn’t walk like that.
Really!

Regarding my phobia, I suppose it all began when I was about fourteen years old. There had been reports of a Bigfoot-like creature sighted in the vicinity of my family’s ranch in Texas. Then one night, my cousin who’s the same age as I, was driving back to the ranch house. (Yes, we drive at the age of fourteen on ranch roads in Texas. It’s the law). He saw some eyes reflecting in the headlights down the road and, lo and behold, it was a Bigfoot.

When he got back to the house, he was really shaken up. My aunt will attest to the fact that saw something that really frightened him. From then on, he wouldn’t go hunting at night as he had done for years.

Well, that just scared the hell out of me. I just knew that there was a Bigfoot-like creature lurking around down there.

My dad had a pecan orchard near the spot where my cousin saw The Creature. One afternoon, Dad had us gathering pecans for a couple of hours and I just knew that thing was watching me from inside the woods the whole time.
God, that was scary.

Yes, I know there’s no evidence that it exists.

But you won’t find me spending the night down on our ranch. And if I ever visit Lorraine in Seattle, I’m not leaving the city limits to go hiking anywhere.

And I never did go skiing in Montana.