Finding Bigfoot

For a long time, I’ve had a strong interest in the creature known as Bigfoot. Ever since my cousin claimed to have encountered it near our family ranch when I was about thirteen, my interest has bordered on being a phobia.


Now don’t get me wrong. Intellectually, I know this creature called ‘bigfoot’ or ‘sasquatch’ doesn’t exist. Most likely, people are mistaking a bear for it. But the thought of encountering one still gives me the willies; so much so that I will probably never go hiking where they (bears) are believed to exist.

So, this brings me to the subject at hand. There’s a new series on Animal Planet called “Finding Bigfoot” that features a group of eccentric Bigfoot hunters who spend an inordinate amount of time trying to track this thing down. In each episode, the four of them creep out into the woods with all sorts of tracking and recording equipment in hopes of obtaining proof of this creature’s existence. (And might I add – a creature that doesn’t exist.)

Like I said, I’m a longtime Bigfoot fan, but these people bug the hell out of me. Here’s a typical episode:

They’re in the woods at night and hear a knock on a tree in the distance. “That sounds like a ‘squatch!” they whisper to each other. (They shorten the name “Sasquatch” to ‘squatch, indicating their extreme familiarity with this creature – a familiarity with something that doesn’t exist.)

They shine an infrared camera across a river and spot the outline of a bear waddling along the bank. But no! That could be a ‘squatch! Because when ‘squatches walk on all fours, they’re often mistaken for bears.

That’s because it is a bear, you fools!

Then, they come across some bear-poo in the forest and start analyzing it to see what the bear ate. Why? Because this will tell them what the ‘squatches are feeding on as well.

No – you’re digging around in bear-poo and now you know what bears enjoy.

They analyze a hiker’s video in which the hiker captured a humanoid shaped thing walking in the distance. “That sure looks like a ‘squatch to me!” they proclaim. “Look how tall it is!”

No, it’s a tall, humanoid-shaped thing because it’s a tall human. Most likely foraging for a Starbucks.

Then, they find some large, human-looking footprints in the mud -- The holy grail. They attempt to rule out that the tracks were caused by a bear. After all, “bear tracks can often be mistaken for those of a ‘squatch . . . .” and on and on we go.

I would really love, just once, for a big ‘squatch to come lumbering out of the forest at these people and just stand right in front of them. Most likely, they would end up leaving behind a good amount of poo for a bear to encounter.