Tim Tebow Denounced by Interracial Marriage Opponents

It's been a long while since I wrote a piece of satire, but darn-it! My frustration with Tim Tebow, the conservative Baptists, football, and marriage equality all got wrapped up into one.

Enjoy.

Christian Quarterback Tim Tebow Denounced by Interracial Marriage Opponents

LOUISVILLE KY - Following the firestorm that erupted when the Gulnare Freewill Baptist Church in rural Kentucky voted to ban mixed-race couples from joining their congregation, numerous members of the National Association of Freewill Baptist Churches have begun utilizing photographs of the notorious Christian quarterback, Tim Tebow -- often seen in passionate, kissing embraces with exclusively African-American partners – to spearhead their national campaign against interracial marriage. 

More than 40 years ago, the U.S. Supreme Court obstructed a Virginia statute barring whites from marrying nonwhites, overturning bans in 15 other states. But while interracial marriages have soared since then, many churches in the South remain largely segregated. 

“Frankly, I have no problem with mixed marriages and we welcome them in our congregation,” reported Freewill Baptist Executive Secretary, Ryan Burden. “But when a handsome, muscular, strapping Christian quarterback such as Tim Tebow who is such a fine spokesman for Christianity and purity is seen time and time again kissing only blacks, well, that gives a confusing message to our young people.” 

Burden paused to collect his thoughts. “I mean, what are our Christian athletes supposed to think when Tebow kisses Demaryius Thomas so hard and with such passion? He's never seen kissin' any white ball players at all! It’s only going to lead to more mixing of the races!” 

To date, the notoriously Christian quarterback, who proclaims he will remain a virgin until marriage, has only been seen kissing African-American team members, holding them in firm, musclebound embraces, then praying on the sidelines. Although Tebow is often photographed in infamous sideline prayer-stance on one knee, he has yet to be spotted in a romantic embrace with any same-race companions.

Heather Kelly, head cheerleader for the University of Florida Gators, had met Tebow on numerous occasions during his tenure with the championship team. “I practically, like, threw myself at him every chance I got, but he was, like, never interested and I, like, kept asking myself, ‘Why?’ Was he, like, not attracted to me? After I saw him, like, only hugging and kissing African American Gators, I, like, knew.”

Fellowship of Christian Athletes and Veteran NFL coach, Les Steckel, was equally perplexed with Tebow’s obvious choice of partners and read from a printed statement: “Tim Tebow has been a fine, upstanding symbol of Christian conservatism to which our young athletes aspire. While we have no problem with racial equality, his obvious proclivity toward partners of the opposite race presents a sudden level of multiculturalism that we, the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, have yet the opportunity to embrace.”

Across the South, anti-miscegenation demonstrations continue to spread. Although such movements have been sporadic and miniscule since the 1960s, fundamentalist Christian organizations such as the Freewill Baptists have re-ignited the cause largely due to Tebow’s choice of public displays of affection with exclusively African-American partners on his own team. 

The movement, along with Tebow’s romantic interests, shows no signs of abating. 

© 2011 J. Buckner Wheat

Former Football Star Enables Gay Marriage

I have to admit, the moment I read David Tyree's comments about gay marriage, I had this satire piece waiting in the wings.


Here you go: (It was fun)

BUFFALO NY - Former Giant's Star Enables Gay Marriage.

Evangelical Christians across the nation are casting blame and sole responsibility on ex-Giant’s receiver, David Tyree, for New York’s  Senate passage of same-sex marriage bill due to his winning catch during the fourth quarter of Superbowl’s XLII.

Earlier in the week, the former Giant’s superstar explained that he would gladly “give up” his Superbowl win in order to see the gay marriage bill defeated.

The retired athlete took it even further last week when he said he would have traded his iconic catch and victory over the Patriots if it meant that gay marriage would be banned.

The New York gay marriage bill was passed by the Senate, 33-29, and was immediately signed by Governor Andrew Cuomo in Albany.

Pat Robertson of the Christian Broadcast Network attributes the passage of gay marriage in New York solely on Tyree’s shoulders: 

“The fact that this outstanding Christian athlete would have given up such a victory to see gay marriage defeated only shows that, had he not made that winning catch, we would be seeing the defeat of this abominable law being passed in the great state of New York.”

Robertson sighed and thought for a moment. 

“Clearly, the fact that this man said he’d trade his winning of the Superbowl so that gay marriage would be defeated, but went on to catch the winning pass, has indeed brought on the ability of men to have anal, matrimonial sex in this country.”

Governor Rick Perry of Texas, while speaking to a large delegation from the Fellowship Of Christian Athletes explained that, “All across this Christian state on every Friday night, millions of high school football fans offer prayers for the victory and the benevolence of God on their teams."

"While David Tyree was willing to give up a championship interception in order to thwart gay marriage . . . "

. . .The governor hesitated for a few moments, and continued,

"I feel confident that none of my constituency would prevent their sons from being anally assaulted in a state of matrimony for the sake of giving up state-division playoffs!"

Sudden cheers and a deafening applause bolted from the crowd of over twenty thousand.

Gay Pride parades are typically held on the weekend of June 29, the date of the Stonewall riots that signaled the beginning of the Gay Pride movement in 1969.

Due to David Tyree's recent statements in influencing a positive vote for gay marriage, the former Giant's star has received over eight hundred  invitations to be Master of Ceremonies in various Pride parades across the nation scheduled for June 25 and 26.

God's Happy People

Yesterday, my friend, Iwanski, took some great photos of these really happy people who were having an anti-gay rally downtown. You can view his photos (and really hilarious captions) here.

Now, just look at these people.

Don't they look like they're having fun?

No?

I just don't understand these folks who protest against gay marriage. They say they want to "protect marriage!" And that marriage should be "one woman and one man."

Fine.

What's stopping any one man and one woman from getting married?

Nothing will change for men and women who want to do so.

Here's some advice for these happy folks: If you're against gay marriage, then by all means, don't marry someone of the same sex! 

As I was looking at them, I noticed one woman and thought, "She looks just like a Far Side cartoon character."

Really! Take a look: 

Here's the happy crowd.

Here's a Far Side cartoon:

The woman

The cartoon character:

Yes, we may encounter their nonsense here and there, but can you imagine what it must be like to live in their heads twenty-four-seven?

This is Hilarious -- Sort Of

Adam and Steve

Well, the California Supreme Court ruled today that the ban on same-sex marriage was unconstitutional.

Here’s something fun:

Go to www.abcnews.com or www.christianpost.com and see how many times someone posts that awfully lame cliché that “God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”

My response to that is that Adam and Eve must have been horrible parents. After all, one of their kids killed his sibling. And if you take the Bible literally, then the remaining son must have reproduced with his mother. . . Hardly a family worth emulating.

I’m just saying. . . .