Former Football Star Enables Gay Marriage

I have to admit, the moment I read David Tyree's comments about gay marriage, I had this satire piece waiting in the wings.


Here you go: (It was fun)

BUFFALO NY - Former Giant's Star Enables Gay Marriage.

Evangelical Christians across the nation are casting blame and sole responsibility on ex-Giant’s receiver, David Tyree, for New York’s  Senate passage of same-sex marriage bill due to his winning catch during the fourth quarter of Superbowl’s XLII.

Earlier in the week, the former Giant’s superstar explained that he would gladly “give up” his Superbowl win in order to see the gay marriage bill defeated.

The retired athlete took it even further last week when he said he would have traded his iconic catch and victory over the Patriots if it meant that gay marriage would be banned.

The New York gay marriage bill was passed by the Senate, 33-29, and was immediately signed by Governor Andrew Cuomo in Albany.

Pat Robertson of the Christian Broadcast Network attributes the passage of gay marriage in New York solely on Tyree’s shoulders: 

“The fact that this outstanding Christian athlete would have given up such a victory to see gay marriage defeated only shows that, had he not made that winning catch, we would be seeing the defeat of this abominable law being passed in the great state of New York.”

Robertson sighed and thought for a moment. 

“Clearly, the fact that this man said he’d trade his winning of the Superbowl so that gay marriage would be defeated, but went on to catch the winning pass, has indeed brought on the ability of men to have anal, matrimonial sex in this country.”

Governor Rick Perry of Texas, while speaking to a large delegation from the Fellowship Of Christian Athletes explained that, “All across this Christian state on every Friday night, millions of high school football fans offer prayers for the victory and the benevolence of God on their teams."

"While David Tyree was willing to give up a championship interception in order to thwart gay marriage . . . "

. . .The governor hesitated for a few moments, and continued,

"I feel confident that none of my constituency would prevent their sons from being anally assaulted in a state of matrimony for the sake of giving up state-division playoffs!"

Sudden cheers and a deafening applause bolted from the crowd of over twenty thousand.

Gay Pride parades are typically held on the weekend of June 29, the date of the Stonewall riots that signaled the beginning of the Gay Pride movement in 1969.

Due to David Tyree's recent statements in influencing a positive vote for gay marriage, the former Giant's star has received over eight hundred  invitations to be Master of Ceremonies in various Pride parades across the nation scheduled for June 25 and 26.

Under the City

Having lived in New York City for two years, Toronto for three years and now Chicago for six years, I’ve ridden a lot of subways in these three cities and, let me tell you, all subways are not created equal.

Rudeness

In New York, there are just too many people going to too many places in too much of a hurry. Once the doors open, it’s everyone for themselves. People have to shove to get off the train because people are shoving to get on the train. There’s just no time to be polite. It just wouldn't be efficient. And after a while, you just become inured to the wierdness: Okay, that guy just ate a live chipmunk. Ho hum.

In Toronto, orderliness is the rule of the day. The doors open and everyone on the platform politely stands aside while the passengers file off, then everyone files onto the nice, clean train. I suppose since it’s a grillion degrees below zero most of the time, if orderliness and consideration wasn’t the norm, you’d die.

Chicagoans fall somewhere in between. Sure, Chicago is a large city with lots of people but it’s tempered by the fact that this is still the Midwest and not New York.

Cleanliness

New York’s subways are old, gritty, and the stations are not air conditioned. If you want to experience Hell on Earth, try waiting in a lower-level subway station in the summertime. Those city streets just radiate heat into the concrete stations so that it's like waiting for a train in a pizza oven. Literally, it can reach 125 degrees down there. The platforms reek of steaming urine and tracks are littered with half-poached rats. It’s not pretty. (And this is after Giuliani cleaned up the city). You really have to be a tough puppy to ride the subways in New York.

Toronto, on the other hand, has nice, clean, civilized subways. Taxes are super-high in Canada. For example, a six-pack of domestic beer will set you back about twenty bucks. That much tax revenue will clean up a lot of urine in a lot of subway stations. Also, there’s a Starbucks at every single subway station in downtown Toronto. Now that’s what I call civilized.

Chicago’s subways are in between. They’re dirty only because Chicagoans can’t go five minutes without eating. And fried chicken seems to be the meal of choice while riding the CTA. Really. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been riding the train with my nose in a book and boom, the smell of KFC Original Recipe blasts through the car. Before sitting down on a train in Chicago, you’d better check for chicken bones.

Musicians

New York’s subway system has 254 stations. If you’re a musician playing for money and want passengers to donate, you’d better be unique. I’ve been amazed at the variety of music below the streets. I’ve seen instruments that I didn’t even know existed. Want to hear someone playing the sacbut? It’s there.

Okay, I just like saying "sacbut."

In Toronto, again, things are civilized and subsidized. If you want to play in a subway station, you have to have a permit and be hired by the City of Toronto to do so. Subsequently, you’ll hear a lot of nice Classical music below the icy streets.

Chicago’s subway stations seem to be dominated by a few regular locals. There’s the old woman who plays the violin, guitar, tambourine, whistles and tap dances at the same time. She knows only one song, though, consisting solely of A minor and E major chords. Then there are the two guys that drum on plastic buckets in the tunnel between the Red and Blue lines downtown. They’re really loud.

One day, I was down there and I heard rap music and groaned. (I don’t consider “rap” to be music anyway – it’s prose that’s yelled over a computerized drum beat). But this guy was not even doing that. This clown was lip-synching to rap! That has got to be the lowest form of performance art I’ve ever seen in a subway station.

New Yorkers would have laughed at him.
He would have been arrested in Toronto.
And I wanted to throw him in front of the oncoming Red line.