Tim Tebow Denounced by Interracial Marriage Opponents

It's been a long while since I wrote a piece of satire, but darn-it! My frustration with Tim Tebow, the conservative Baptists, football, and marriage equality all got wrapped up into one.

Enjoy.

Christian Quarterback Tim Tebow Denounced by Interracial Marriage Opponents

LOUISVILLE KY - Following the firestorm that erupted when the Gulnare Freewill Baptist Church in rural Kentucky voted to ban mixed-race couples from joining their congregation, numerous members of the National Association of Freewill Baptist Churches have begun utilizing photographs of the notorious Christian quarterback, Tim Tebow -- often seen in passionate, kissing embraces with exclusively African-American partners – to spearhead their national campaign against interracial marriage. 

More than 40 years ago, the U.S. Supreme Court obstructed a Virginia statute barring whites from marrying nonwhites, overturning bans in 15 other states. But while interracial marriages have soared since then, many churches in the South remain largely segregated. 

“Frankly, I have no problem with mixed marriages and we welcome them in our congregation,” reported Freewill Baptist Executive Secretary, Ryan Burden. “But when a handsome, muscular, strapping Christian quarterback such as Tim Tebow who is such a fine spokesman for Christianity and purity is seen time and time again kissing only blacks, well, that gives a confusing message to our young people.” 

Burden paused to collect his thoughts. “I mean, what are our Christian athletes supposed to think when Tebow kisses Demaryius Thomas so hard and with such passion? He's never seen kissin' any white ball players at all! It’s only going to lead to more mixing of the races!” 

To date, the notoriously Christian quarterback, who proclaims he will remain a virgin until marriage, has only been seen kissing African-American team members, holding them in firm, musclebound embraces, then praying on the sidelines. Although Tebow is often photographed in infamous sideline prayer-stance on one knee, he has yet to be spotted in a romantic embrace with any same-race companions.

Heather Kelly, head cheerleader for the University of Florida Gators, had met Tebow on numerous occasions during his tenure with the championship team. “I practically, like, threw myself at him every chance I got, but he was, like, never interested and I, like, kept asking myself, ‘Why?’ Was he, like, not attracted to me? After I saw him, like, only hugging and kissing African American Gators, I, like, knew.”

Fellowship of Christian Athletes and Veteran NFL coach, Les Steckel, was equally perplexed with Tebow’s obvious choice of partners and read from a printed statement: “Tim Tebow has been a fine, upstanding symbol of Christian conservatism to which our young athletes aspire. While we have no problem with racial equality, his obvious proclivity toward partners of the opposite race presents a sudden level of multiculturalism that we, the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, have yet the opportunity to embrace.”

Across the South, anti-miscegenation demonstrations continue to spread. Although such movements have been sporadic and miniscule since the 1960s, fundamentalist Christian organizations such as the Freewill Baptists have re-ignited the cause largely due to Tebow’s choice of public displays of affection with exclusively African-American partners on his own team. 

The movement, along with Tebow’s romantic interests, shows no signs of abating. 

© 2011 J. Buckner Wheat

Sports

I’ll be the first to admit that I am not a sports fan. I just fail to see the intrinsic value in winning a game, much less paying pro athletes billions of dollars to do so. The fact that Tim Tebow prays on the sideline for a touchdown really irks me.  (God should remind Temow that his profession is FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.)


But this doesn’t mean that I don’t have opinions about sports. As a matter of fact, I think my insights as someone who doesn’t watch them can be pretty, well, insightful.

Let’s take basketball. The court is way too small. You’ve got these giant guys loping back and forth, taking about three steps to make basket after basket. The score is always something like 102 to 100. That’s a lot of baskets.

Then, you’ve got soccer. The field is way too big. These guys run and run and run and never make a goal. The score is always something like Brazil: 1, Uruguay: 0.

Solution: Have the giant basketball guys play on a court the size of a soccer field. That would give these guys some room to display their ball-handling skills. Let the soccer guys play on a field the size of a basketball court. That would really give the goalie a workout and make the game much more exciting. Brazilian fans would have a coronary with their team scoring 102 points. Cheerleaders getting a soccer ball in the face would be an added bonus.

Figure skating: Way too much importance is placed on landing the jumps. That’s all the judges seem to care about. A skater can have perfect form, an incredibly creative routine, but if the poor guy bobbles the landing on a quadruple toe-loop, his career is toast.

Solution: At least half the competitions should have no jumps allowed. That way, the skaters will be judged on what truly matters: Perfect form, artistic routines, skating that actually goes with the music, and sparkly costumes.

Gymnastics: Again, too much emphasis placed on “sticking the landing.” The poor gymnast can do triple-flying flips ten feet above the high bar, but if she wobbles one millimeter during the landing, she loses the medal for the entire Russian team.

Solution: Once the bar routine is finished, the gymnast simply cannon-balls into a tub of water. It’s an easy way of removing all the chalk, not to mention tremendous comedic effect.

Football: It’s so boring! These huge guys huddle-and-plan, huddle-and-plan, the quarterback rams his hands under the crotch of the crouching player, they all smash into each other as hard as they can, and all fall down.

Solution: Flag football only. And no touching or tackling. At all. If anyone touches, there’s a penalty. Such a game would require a lot more skill for all the players and make the game a lot more interesting.

And Tim Tebow would no longer have to manhandle a guy’s junk every Sunday. Praise the Lord.