Tim Tebow Denounced by Interracial Marriage Opponents

It's been a long while since I wrote a piece of satire, but darn-it! My frustration with Tim Tebow, the conservative Baptists, football, and marriage equality all got wrapped up into one.

Enjoy.

Christian Quarterback Tim Tebow Denounced by Interracial Marriage Opponents

LOUISVILLE KY - Following the firestorm that erupted when the Gulnare Freewill Baptist Church in rural Kentucky voted to ban mixed-race couples from joining their congregation, numerous members of the National Association of Freewill Baptist Churches have begun utilizing photographs of the notorious Christian quarterback, Tim Tebow -- often seen in passionate, kissing embraces with exclusively African-American partners – to spearhead their national campaign against interracial marriage. 

More than 40 years ago, the U.S. Supreme Court obstructed a Virginia statute barring whites from marrying nonwhites, overturning bans in 15 other states. But while interracial marriages have soared since then, many churches in the South remain largely segregated. 

“Frankly, I have no problem with mixed marriages and we welcome them in our congregation,” reported Freewill Baptist Executive Secretary, Ryan Burden. “But when a handsome, muscular, strapping Christian quarterback such as Tim Tebow who is such a fine spokesman for Christianity and purity is seen time and time again kissing only blacks, well, that gives a confusing message to our young people.” 

Burden paused to collect his thoughts. “I mean, what are our Christian athletes supposed to think when Tebow kisses Demaryius Thomas so hard and with such passion? He's never seen kissin' any white ball players at all! It’s only going to lead to more mixing of the races!” 

To date, the notoriously Christian quarterback, who proclaims he will remain a virgin until marriage, has only been seen kissing African-American team members, holding them in firm, musclebound embraces, then praying on the sidelines. Although Tebow is often photographed in infamous sideline prayer-stance on one knee, he has yet to be spotted in a romantic embrace with any same-race companions.

Heather Kelly, head cheerleader for the University of Florida Gators, had met Tebow on numerous occasions during his tenure with the championship team. “I practically, like, threw myself at him every chance I got, but he was, like, never interested and I, like, kept asking myself, ‘Why?’ Was he, like, not attracted to me? After I saw him, like, only hugging and kissing African American Gators, I, like, knew.”

Fellowship of Christian Athletes and Veteran NFL coach, Les Steckel, was equally perplexed with Tebow’s obvious choice of partners and read from a printed statement: “Tim Tebow has been a fine, upstanding symbol of Christian conservatism to which our young athletes aspire. While we have no problem with racial equality, his obvious proclivity toward partners of the opposite race presents a sudden level of multiculturalism that we, the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, have yet the opportunity to embrace.”

Across the South, anti-miscegenation demonstrations continue to spread. Although such movements have been sporadic and miniscule since the 1960s, fundamentalist Christian organizations such as the Freewill Baptists have re-ignited the cause largely due to Tebow’s choice of public displays of affection with exclusively African-American partners on his own team. 

The movement, along with Tebow’s romantic interests, shows no signs of abating. 

© 2011 J. Buckner Wheat

You Don't Get a Letter

This post may be a little politically incorrect, but I’m gonna “go there”.

Someone needs to put a stop to all the letters being glommed on to the LGBT moniker (Lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender). I recently came across an event that was for LGBTQA. - - - 

- - -Whaaat?

Here’s the explanation. The “Q” stood for “questioning” or rather, those who are unsure about their sexual orientation or identity. The “A” stood for “allies” – those who support the LGBT’s and, I guess, the Q’s as well. 

“Now, wait a minute," I thought.  "This is getting out of hand."

So, let’s do some trimming here, folks. 

First of all, the “B”. I’m like Carrie Bradshaw; “bisexual” is just a train ticket on the way to “gay.” Out with it. (literally).  Until you make up your mind and quit teasing everyone, you don't get a letter.

The “T”: A transgendered person is not the same animal as a homosexual. Gender identity and sexual orientation are two completely different things. Many transgendered people are homosexual, but many are not. Being homosexual in no way implies that one has gender identity issues. Automatically putting LG’s together with the T’s implies similarity, especially to those who are ignorant of both. We love you, but you don't get a letter.

To the Q’s, sure, you may be “questioning”, but I say, until you’ve rented a U-Haul way too soon after dating someone of the same sex, you’re just not one of us. Until you make your way over to the “B” and then solidly implant yourself to the “L” or the “G”, you don’t get a letter.

To the “allies”, sure, it’s great that you give your love and support. But to give you a letter seems like we’re too needy for acceptance. Yes, Fag Hags are a big part of our culture and we don’t know what we’d do without them. It’s great that you’re an ally, but you still fall in love with people who have different naughty bits than yours. You don’t get a letter. 

So, what would be a good name? I have a simple solution.

It’s “Mo” – as is hoMOsexuals. No more of this lesbian or gay stuff. Just “Mo”. 

Same-sex marriage? Nope. It’s now Mo marriage.

Gay rights? You got it. It’s now Mo rights.

Gay and lesbian scooter club; a Mo scooter club.

A gay prostitute: A Mo ho. 

(See? I told you I was gonna “go there”.)

Someone who pretends to be gay but isn't: A faux Mo.

(Okay, I'll stop.)

So, let’s do some trimming of the PC stuff and keep things simple like they ought  to be.  

I have to admit. I’m sounding like a Mo Andy Rooney . . .