Friday, May 23, 2008

Life Performance Food Journal

We’re on a health kick at my workplace. Each of us has a weekly appointment with a “health consultant” who monitors our diet and weekly exercise habits.

A “health consultant” is basically a very enthusiastic guy named Mace who works out way too much. He knows nothing.

So, Mace and I have collaborated on a health plan for me in which I shall lose twenty pounds over the next four months. This will be accomplished by basically eating no more than four calories a day and running a marathon every morning at 4:30 am.

Mace said he would devise a menu for me that would enable me to reach my goal. I told him that I pretty much stick to a vegan diet.

He showed up the following week with one of those stupid, impractical, computer print-out diets. It had broiled meat and skim milk all over the place.

These diets are SO impractical. For example, it has you eating a boiled egg and half a grapefruit for breakfast one day. So what the hell are you supposed to do with the other half of the grapefruit? Boiled eggs don’t appear again after that. Am I supposed to boil ONE egg?

One dinner menu includes 2 ½ slices of cheese pizza (with low-fat cheese). Okay, like anyone’s going to leave a half slice of pizza lying around.

This diet is stupid.

So, I’m supposed to keep a “Life Performance Food Journal” for the next two weeks. Doesn’t that just make you wanna urp?

Here is my food journal for the past four days. Obviously, I’ve got to flip-flop my evening snacks for breakfast.


Breakfast: Coffee
Lunch: Large green salad with balsamic vinaigrette
Dinner: Tofu curry with mixed vegetables
Snack: Bowl of pasta with marinara sauce.


Breakfast: Coffee
Lunch: ½ serving of lentil curry, ½ serving of spinach curry
Dinner: Spicy Crazy Noodles, Tom Ka Kai Soup
Snack: Bowl of pasta with marinara sauce


Breakfast: Coffee
Lunch: ½ serving of lentil curry, ½ serving of spinach curry, small green salad
Dinner: Tofu curry w/rice, fresh fruit
Snack: Banana smoothie

Thursday: Breakfast: Veggie wrap, coffee
Lunch: Bowl of lentil soup
Dinner: Tofu curry w/rice
Snack: One mango, bowl of rice with marinara sauce

Yep. Those evening snacks while watching Sex and the City have got to go.


At 12:52 PM , Blogger Speck said...

>Am I supposed to boil ONE egg?

Oh no, no, no. You boil the whole dozen. Make deviled eggs with the remaining eleven, take to work, put in the break room fridge with a note, "Do Not Touch." They'll be gone by noon the first day. That'll screw with everybody else's diet plan. (evil grin) Ya gotta have fun with this thing.

At 1:03 PM , Blogger Lorraine said...

Speck is an ingenious devil, ain't she?

I never thought of pasta as a snack...

At 7:43 PM , Blogger Kimberly Ann said...

I'd be done with Mace if he couldn't be bothered to listen to what you eat and don't eat. Oh and if you need a good evening snack, I just discovered the bliss that is popcorn with salt and cracked pepper. Holy smokes, that pepper is the bomb on freshly popped corn. Lip smacking (and burning) goodness. Not too many cals.

At 8:28 PM , Blogger Miss Healthypants said...

What kind of name is Mace, anyway? I hate him, and I've never even met him before.


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