Saturday, April 15, 2006

South Park Writers Escape Wrath of Evangelicals

ANAHEIM, CA— Banned from depicting a caricature of the Prophet Mohammed, writers for Comedy Central’s South Park opted instead to offend America’s Christian population by depicting Jesus Christ defecating on President Bush and the American flag in last week’s episode.

“In light of recent world events, we feel we made the right decision,” reported a Comedy Central spokesperson.

“We wanted to test several plot line options on a typical conservative Christian audience,” reported South Park writer, Trey Parker. “Fortunately, the good people of Longview, Texas agreed to view several plot lines during their annual Hush Puppy Festival.”

“It was amazing,” interjected Matt Stone. “You couldn’t have asked for a more typical example of evangelical right-wing Christians than this.”

The festival participants sat quietly munching their hush puppies while they viewed scenes such as Mrs. Hankey having a partial-birth abortion, Kenny exploding from a high colonic gone awry, and the Vatican sponsoring the first annual Running of the Altar Boys.

“Nothing seemed to faze them—even when we showed the episode of Jesus defecating on Bush and the American flag,” Parker reported. “Sure, they thought it was pretty blasphemous—they took up a collection to save our souls—but they agreed that it was an exercise in free speech and protected by the American constitution.”

“They sure love the constitution down there,” said Stone. “Especially the right to bear arms.”

“We went too far, though” said Stone. “Just take a look at what happened when they saw our last option.”

The video displayed the participants viewing a trailer depicting Saddam Hussein defecating on a caricature of NASCAR legend, Dale Earnhardt. Suddenly, the crowd erupted into angry, blood-curdling screams.

"No dignity to a nation where Dale is blasphemed!" cried out one woman as she hurled a Tupperware bowl of nine-bean "trash" salad at the screen. "That's what comes after insulting our sacred values!" she continued.

The melee escalated throughout the night as dozens of mobile homes were overturned and set ablaze.

“I lost my business that’d been in the family for forty years!” cried Earline Spencer, owner of Earline’s Day Care & Firearm Repair Center. “But we’re alive and we can thank the good lord for that.”

Over thirty small children were being treated for injuries sustained from being struck by missile-like hush puppies. “When we saw Dale being insulted like that, all hell broke loose,” reported an anonymous participant. “The little ones got caught in the crossfire and didn’t stand a chance.”

The following morning while the local mayor applied for federal disaster relief, a spokesperson for Earnhardt's fan club promised that the rioting would surely spread throughout the South unless Parker and Stone agreed to nix the Earnhardt depiction and air the Jesus-defecating-on-Bush episode instead.

“We sure learned our lesson on that one,” stated Parker. “You can blaspheme their ‘Lord and Savior’ all you want, but you damn sure better not mess with the memories of NASCAR heroes. That’s holy ground.”

Parker and Stone are reportedly writing a South Park version of Brokeback Mountain starring football legends, Troy Aikman and Brett Favre.


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