Oxy-Clean Guy Used as a WMD

BAGHDAD – U.S. and British forces unleashed their newest weapon yesterday that resulted in the triumphant freeing of three Christian peace activists who had been held captive for the past four months.

The activists, James Loney and Harmeet Singh Sooden of Canada and Norman Kember of England were kidnapped on Nov. 26, 2005 and had since been held hostage at a compound on the outskirts of Baghdad. All three had been captured by a “kidnapping cell” while driving to meet with Sunni Arab leaders and all subsequent rescue attempts had failed.

“We were at the end of our rope,” reported Maj. Gen. Rick Lynch. “We really did fear that each one would be killed eventually. That is, until we discovered this new secret weapon. . . ”

General Lynch smiled and opened a sound file on a nearby laptop.

"Hi! Billy Mays here for Oxy-Clean!" screamed the grating, annoying voice.

"Every time that guy's commercial comes on, my immediate response is to hit the fast-forward on my TIVO as fast as I can," he reported. “His voice, literally, makes me want to put a knife through my eye socket just to end the torture. That's when I got the idea to utilize his commercials as an effective weapon."

General Lynch explained how the new tactic used to thwart a recent attack by sixty gunmen on a police station near Baghdad two days ago.

“After a two-hour gun battle, we saw that we weren’t making any progress. So, we tried broadcasting the Oxy-Clean commercial over mega-watt speakers from our command center.”

Immediately, all sixty insurgents began running around in circles, bewildered and terrorized, pleading for the incredibly annoying tirade to cease.

“We ended up catching fifty of ‘em in the crossfire.”

Apparently, continued exposure to Mays’ shrill, piercing voice results in nausea, vomiting, chronic diarrhea, convulsions and finally, death.

“It was pretty cool,” he smirked.

According to British foreign secretary, Jack Straw, yesterday’s military rescue followed “weeks and weeks of very careful work by military and coalition personnel in Iraq, and many civilians as well.”

Although military officials kept many details regarding yesterday morning’s rescue from the press, General Lynch was eager to supply the information since his tactic was utilized so effectively once again.

“We had been working on this rescue for four months to no avail. But after five minutes of blaring Billy Mays’ voice into the compound we could hear blood-curdling screams of Shi-Kabbalah, Shi-Kabbalah coming from inside.”

Fortunately, Sergeant Dan Henderson, a member of the rescue team, was fluent in colloquial Arabic.

“Basically, Shi-Kabbalah is a local slang term for diarrhea. It’s tough to translate, but, roughly, it means ‘shish kebabs-on-tap.’ Once I heard that, it was pretty clear that the kidnappers would be occupied for a while and I told General Lynch that we should make our move.”

“As expected, the captives were found unguarded, their kidnappers having vanished,” reported General Lynch. “Billy Mays’ voice could be the key to turning this war on terrorism completely around. Its applications are boundless.”

Mayor Ray Nagin of New Orleans is investigating the new weapon’s potential to deflect the next Katrina-style hurricane.

“I’ve heard that damn commercial a hundred times and let me tell you, that man’s voice is lethal. I have no doubt as to its hurricane-deterring ability,” concluded the mayor with a smile.

While officials from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Association (NOAA) are investigating the use of Mays’ voice as a potential hurricane repellant, scientists from NASA are ecstatic over its probable ability to vaporize the next earthbound mega-asteroid due to strike the planet on February 21, 8004.

Mr. Mays was unavailable for comment.