U.S. Military Claims Victory in Iraq

Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, the most-recognized symbol of American freedom and power finally made its long-awaited appearance among the ruins of an insurgent-controlled Iraq yesterday.

"I had a lump in my throat the size of a goose egg when I saw our troops raise that symbol of American victory," replied a military official. "For the first time since 9/11, we knew the tables were finally turning."

In an instant, images of the powerful American symbol were broadcast worldwide.

"Today, we can all be proud to call ourselves Americans," touted President Bush at a White House press conference. "We can know that the men and women who gave their lives did so, not in vain, but in victory."

Bush immediately signed an executive order calling for the famous image to be included on the reverse portion of the new one-dollar bill scheduled for release in mid-2007.