Sunday, March 26, 2006

Texas Becomes a Haven for Gay Couples

Ever since Texas voters approved proposition 2, the so-called gay marriage ban last November, the Lone Star state has become an unexpected haven for gay couples. Against all expectations, thousands of two-man and two-woman couples from across the United States and Canada have poured into Texas, seeking refuge there from the pitfalls of heterosexual-style marriage.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, divorce rates among Texan heterosexuals were nearly twice as high as those in Massachusetts in 2004. (4.1 vs 2.4 per 1,000 respectively) This placed Texas with the ninth highest divorce rate in the U.S; 51 percent higher than the national average. With the majority of heterosexual marriages ending in divorce, Texans felt compelled to protect its gay citizens from the high odds of having to endure such painful and degrading outcomes.

In a recent interview, Gov. Rick Perry noted the increasing rate of divorces among Texans and its ensuing consequences. “Over half of all children in Texas come from broken homes which I find appalling. What’s worse is that millions of Texan dollars are pocketed by divorce lawyers. That’s money that could have been allocated toward high school football programs and the elimination of hunting license fees; things that Texans would truly cherish. Now that Proposition 2 is the law of the land, it’s made me realize that the majority of heterosexual Texans really do want to protect our gay citizens from the social and monetary damages caused by heterosexual marriages. Now that is what you call Southern hospitality!”

Quebelle Bruchmiller, a wedding consultant in Plano, Texas, is relieved with the new amendment. "I've been in this business for 27 years and, let me tell you, Texan weddings are getting tackier by the minute." She sited an outdoor wedding in East Texas where a recording of Dueling Banjos was played for the wedding march, the groom wore a Git-R-Done T-shirt, and the best man kept pumping a pony-keg during the nuptials. The mother of the bride weighed four-hundred pounds and, I swear, you could see the outline of her thong through that dress. It really makes you wonder if there is a god.

"And, oh, don't get me started on these couples that write their own vows! If I hear one more quote from Kalil Gibran or the Desiderata, I'm just going to urp." Bruchmiller smiled and her tone suddenly brightened. "At least part of our society won't be tempted to follow this disgusting trend now!"

She then winced and continued. "Let's face it. No one enjoys going to weddings except the bride. Then these narcissistic little daddy's girls decide that their wedding is an honor-yourself-beauty-pageant, end up putting both families into debt and getting divorced within a year. At least gay Texans won't be in danger of incurring such god-awful resentment from their families, bless their hearts!"

Helen Heimlich, a long-time organist at Fairview Baptist Church in Abeline TX, responds. "I've played for hundreds of weddings and you just wouldn't believe the stuff these people want me to play!" She remembers one particular bride who insisted that Gretchen Wilson's Redneck Woman be played while the mothers were being seated. "Now that Proposition 2 has been ratified, five-to-eight percent of our congregation won't be making requests like that. It'll make this place a little more dignified and make my job that much less embarrassing."

She sighed and pensively gazed out the window. "I just wish more of our congregation were gay."

Rev. Bud "Booger" Robinson agreed. “Back in the 1950's, weddings were really dignified. Now you never know what to expect. Last week the ring-bearer and flower-girl were the couple's own children. And the damn bride wore white! Most of the time the groom is so hungover he has no idea what's going on. You bet, I voted to keep the sanctity of marriage in Texas! I'm really glad the gay members of Fairview Baptist won't be tempted to follow the immoral examples that others have been displaying. "

Jim Altenhoff and his partner, David, recently made their way from Boston where gay marriages are legal. “Weddings up there were becoming such a cliché. If I heard the theme from Brokeback Mountain at one more wedding, I thought I’d just scream. The last time that happened, I just couldn’t take it anymore. . .” He held David’s hand as tears welled in his eyes. “It’s just such a relief that we made it to Houston. We’ll be safe here.”

Members of Texas' LGBT community have responded with similar enthusiasm. Janet Smith, president of the Texan Lesbian and Gay Task Force was relieved when Proposition 2 passed. "I was really worried there for a while that marriage might become legal for us in Texas. I mean, haven't my people suffered enough?"

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Oxy-Clean Guy Used as a WMD

BAGHDAD – U.S. and British forces unleashed their newest weapon yesterday that resulted in the triumphant freeing of three Christian peace activists who had been held captive for the past four months.

The activists, James Loney and Harmeet Singh Sooden of Canada and Norman Kember of England were kidnapped on Nov. 26, 2005 and had since been held hostage at a compound on the outskirts of Baghdad. All three had been captured by a “kidnapping cell” while driving to meet with Sunni Arab leaders and all subsequent rescue attempts had failed.

“We were at the end of our rope,” reported Maj. Gen. Rick Lynch. “We really did fear that each one would be killed eventually. That is, until we discovered this new secret weapon. . . ”

General Lynch smiled and opened a sound file on a nearby laptop.

"Hi! Billy Mays here for Oxy-Clean!" screamed the grating, annoying voice.

"Every time that guy's commercial comes on, my immediate response is to hit the fast-forward on my TIVO as fast as I can," he reported. “His voice, literally, makes me want to put a knife through my eye socket just to end the torture. That's when I got the idea to utilize his commercials as an effective weapon."

General Lynch explained how the new tactic used to thwart a recent attack by sixty gunmen on a police station near Baghdad two days ago.

“After a two-hour gun battle, we saw that we weren’t making any progress. So, we tried broadcasting the Oxy-Clean commercial over mega-watt speakers from our command center.”

Immediately, all sixty insurgents began running around in circles, bewildered and terrorized, pleading for the incredibly annoying tirade to cease.

“We ended up catching fifty of ‘em in the crossfire.”

Apparently, continued exposure to Mays’ shrill, piercing voice results in nausea, vomiting, chronic diarrhea, convulsions and finally, death.

“It was pretty cool,” he smirked.

According to British foreign secretary, Jack Straw, yesterday’s military rescue followed “weeks and weeks of very careful work by military and coalition personnel in Iraq, and many civilians as well.”

Although military officials kept many details regarding yesterday morning’s rescue from the press, General Lynch was eager to supply the information since his tactic was utilized so effectively once again.

“We had been working on this rescue for four months to no avail. But after five minutes of blaring Billy Mays’ voice into the compound we could hear blood-curdling screams of Shi-Kabbalah, Shi-Kabbalah coming from inside.”

Fortunately, Sergeant Dan Henderson, a member of the rescue team, was fluent in colloquial Arabic.

“Basically, Shi-Kabbalah is a local slang term for diarrhea. It’s tough to translate, but, roughly, it means ‘shish kebabs-on-tap.’ Once I heard that, it was pretty clear that the kidnappers would be occupied for a while and I told General Lynch that we should make our move.”

“As expected, the captives were found unguarded, their kidnappers having vanished,” reported General Lynch. “Billy Mays’ voice could be the key to turning this war on terrorism completely around. Its applications are boundless.”

Mayor Ray Nagin of New Orleans is investigating the new weapon’s potential to deflect the next Katrina-style hurricane.

“I’ve heard that damn commercial a hundred times and let me tell you, that man’s voice is lethal. I have no doubt as to its hurricane-deterring ability,” concluded the mayor with a smile.

While officials from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Association (NOAA) are investigating the use of Mays’ voice as a potential hurricane repellant, scientists from NASA are ecstatic over its probable ability to vaporize the next earthbound mega-asteroid due to strike the planet on February 21, 8004.

Mr. Mays was unavailable for comment.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

U.S. Military Claims Victory in Iraq

Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, the most-recognized symbol of American freedom and power finally made its long-awaited appearance among the ruins of an insurgent-controlled Iraq yesterday.

"I had a lump in my throat the size of a goose egg when I saw our troops raise that symbol of American victory," replied a military official. "For the first time since 9/11, we knew the tables were finally turning."

In an instant, images of the powerful American symbol were broadcast worldwide.

"Today, we can all be proud to call ourselves Americans," touted President Bush at a White House press conference. "We can know that the men and women who gave their lives did so, not in vain, but in victory."

Bush immediately signed an executive order calling for the famous image to be included on the reverse portion of the new one-dollar bill scheduled for release in mid-2007.

Nicole Richie to Undergo Hand Reduction Surgery

West Hollywood Having grown increasingly displeased with the over-sized appearance of her hands, television star Nicole Richie has enlisted a team of reconstructive surgeons and orthopedic specialists in order to undergo a rare hand-reduction procedure.

"I just can't stand the sight of my hands!" reports Richie. "They're so gross and just seem to be growing bigger every day and I've got to protect my career."

Although her orthopedic specialist, Dr. Michael Scott, has seen no evidence of her hands actually growing larger, he concurs with Richie’s wishes to undergo this radical procedure.

"Ms. Richie’s hands certainly do appear disproportionately large for her frame. I'm completely at a loss as to why her hands seem to be growing larger. However, knowing the physical demands that her profession places on her, I wholeheartedly support her endeavor to reduce the size and appearance of her hands."

Richie’s team of reconstructive surgeons has expressed their concerns regarding this radical procedure. Dr. Louis Reinstein, head of the surgical team explains: "Reduction of the hands is an extremely exhausting and risky procedure. It requires removing sections of all ten metacarpi and at least sixteen phalanges, extensive bone grafting, and hours of nerve and tendon reconstructions."

Dr. Reinstein continues. "We've cautioned Ms. Richie regarding what will inevitably be an overwhelming recovery period, not to mention the excruciating pain that will surely follow. However, she's adamant about reducing the size of her hands. I have many patients who are employed in the entertainment industry and while I've advised them against such procedures, I have to admire Ms. Richie’s dedication to her profession.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Queen of Heaven Cancels Norwegian Appearance

After much speculation, Mary, Queen of Heaven decided to follow her publicity agent's advice and cancel her Norwegian apparition.

"I was so big in France, Mexico, and Portugal so I wanted to try Norway," reported the Mother of God. "My fans have loved me so far and I really wanted to see another part of Europe."

The Virgin's publicist secretly admitted to limiting the apparitions to largely poor, uneducated Roman Catholic crowds. "She would have bombed up there in country like Norway which is ninety-five percent Protestant." Scandinavian societies, being highly educated, are known to have the highest standard of living in the world. "It would've been brutal for her up there."

The Immaculate Conception's next apparition is scheduled to take place during a children's beauty pageant in the border town of Brownsville, Texas.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

CTA Implements Revised Fare Rates

In an effort to provide more equitable fees for riders, the Chicago Transit Authority has implemented a radically new means by which riders are charged for transit fares. Instead of each rider paying the same fare, each rider will now be charged according to their own body-mass index. All CTA buses and trains have been equipped with body-mass sensors that evaluate each rider upon entering. At that point, the price of their fare is indicated on an LED screen with fares in direct ratio to the body-mass index.

In a recent interview with a CTA public relations official, the justifications for the revised fares were evident.

"Chicago was recently rated as one of the fattest cities in the U.S. It's really unfair that a thin, healthy person has to pay the same fare as someone with a butt so wide that they take five minutes getting on the bus and then plop down across two seats."

CTA rates have remained the same at $1.75 per fare for healthy riders. However, some riders such as Semma Washington of Calumet Park (shown above) have been charged as much as $9.25 for a one-way fare on the revised plan.

"Our bottom line is, if you can't afford to ride the CTA because of your weight, then you probably need to be doing a little more walking folks!"

Friday, March 03, 2006

Area Family Combines Wedding Reception with Intervention

What began as a lavish nuptial event, Heather Anderson's wedding reception quickly veered into a substance abuse intervention that included four hundred of the bride's closest friends and family.

"Heather and Dave, we love you," toasted the best man, Kyle Weatherly. "But Heather, when you offered my grandfather a lap dance last week, I was so scared for you. We all love you and on your special day, we want you to get the help you need."

As he sat down, the bride appeared dumbfounded with tears welling in her eyes. As if on cue, her mother, June Bixby rose to speak.

"Heather darling. . . ." At that point, Bixby lowered her head and shuddered as her husband gently rubbed her forearm and whispered, "It's okay, pet. It's okay." She regained her composure and continued. "Baby, I know this is the day you've dreamed of since you were twelve, but I didn't know what else to do. After you ran over Coco's puppies and got your second DUI I've been so afraid we'd lose you, darling! Please take the help that we're offering today!"

Heather's new husband, Dave, quietly began. "Heather, I love you more than life itself. But when you pawned my first two engagement rings so that you could buy drugs, I knew you needed more help than I could give you. Please, baby, please take the help that we're offering you today. "

For the next two hours, dozens of friends and family members expressed their love and concern for the bride while the band members and wait staff stood silently along walls of the reception hall.

Heather began wailing as her father began to speak. "Heather, I know I promised you and Dave a honeymoon on the French Riviera and it's still on the table but only if you complete treatment first. The limo is outside and waiting to take you to Serenity Hills Treatment Center. Heather, will you take the help that's available?"

As the bride nodded and choked back a tearful, "Yes, Daddy," cheers and applause broke out as she was whisked away to the awaiting limousine.

The wedding reception continued for the next four hours, complete with an open bar.

"I'm so glad she got the help she needed!" exclaimed an ecstatic bridesmaid, Juli Lewis as she downed the last of a banana marguerita. "Thank god that bitch is outta here!"