McCain Stuns Political World -- Replaces Palin

WASILLA AK -- In a last-ditch effort to appeal to the coveted base of evangelical voters, the McCain campaign has replaced vice-presidential running mate, Sarah Palin, with that of her daughter and pregnant teen, Bristol.

“We realized that any appeal Sarah Palin had with the evangelical sector, Bristol could easily surpass,” reported McCain’s chief campaign advisor and strategist, Steve Schmidt.

“We regret making such a dramatic change at this juncture, but frankly, Bristol’s attributes far exceed those of her mother’s. At this point, we can’t afford not to capitalize on that.”

Focus on the Family President, James Dobson, was elated at the change in line-up.

“Originally, we were thrilled that McCain had chosen a hockey-mom who had decided to continue her pregnancy upon learning that her baby, Trig, had Down syndrome. However, many more of our constituents can relate to an unwed, pregnant teen like Bristol than they can with her mother,” said Dobson. "Especially those who are advocates of abstinence-only education."

“The fact that Bristol and her fiancé, Levi Johnston, won’t be completing high school makes it very easy for most evangelical households to identify with them," Dobson added.

Schmidt continued to extol the attributes of the new running mate.

“Additionally, Bristol has quite a bit more knowledge about her Russian neighbors than her mother,” he said, citing a two-page book report Bristol had completed during the 8th grade, titled The Chukchi People of the Russian Penninsilla [sic].

“Obviously, her knowledge of international affairs far exceeds that of her mother’s.”

Pat Robertson of the Christian Broadcast Network was equally pleased with McCain’s choice.

“What this country needs is the fine example of a young lady like Bristol who has obviously chosen life and will soon be partaking in the marriage of one man and one woman.”

Robertson added, “Additionally, Levi will be a fine model of athleticism and manhood for our nation’s young men to admire and emulate.”

In keeping with the theme of children’s names the Palins have chosen, the young couple reportedly plans to name their baby either ‘Algebra’ or ‘Burlap’.

Upon the advice of her mother, the newly-named vice presidential running mate has also decided to refrain from any and all press interviews for the foreseeable future.

Palin's Catching On!

I’ve noticed a trend in politicians’ behavior during the conventions. When they walk out in front of a crowd, they smile really big and begin pointing at people in the crowd like they suddenly recognize someone they know and are overjoyed at seeing them.

I doubt seriously if they’re really pointing at anyone in particular. I think this is a gesture to show that they’re connecting with the crowd or it’s to show a really friendly familiarity with their constituents.

Whatever the case, this gesture has definitely caught on. I don’t know who started it, but these folks really love doing it.

Hillary seems to be the best at it.

Here she is, apparently ecstatic over seeing a friend in the balcony:

Oh, there's someone off to the side she knows:

Barack's got the point-and-smile thing down pretty well:

McCain's picked up on it too:McCain adds a twist: The double-point. He definitely looks presidentular. .

Clinton is about to explode, she's so excited.

And lookie here. Palin's learned to do it too. She's not up to Clinton's standards yet, but she's definitely one of the gang now.

Palin -- "You're On"

So, tonight is Governor Palin’s big moment and so much is riding on her speech. All the reporters around the world who have been speculating on hearsay about the Palins will avidly be covering the rumors about the gossip on the Palins.

If I were in her shoes tonight, I’d be scared out of my mind. A Thorazine drip with a Valium chaser would be required.

I don’t know much about her; certainly not enough to make any judgments. I’m sure McCain knows everything about her. My guess is that he’s probably learned her name by now and maybe gone so far as to check her i.d.

I will say that women are probably better suited for the executive office than men. After all, they’ve got that whole multi-tasking thing down much better than we do.

Back when our ancestors lived in caves, a cave man would concentrate all his brain power on, say, tracking a weasel. He’d be so focused on tracking said weasel that he wouldn’t notice a very large puma leaping out of a tree; and suddenly, he'd become puma chow.

Meanwhile, his mate would be back at the cave tending the fire, nursing a baby, making leftover weasel casserole, fighting off pumas and watching Susan Lucci on All My Children, all at the same time.

That ability to multi-task has definitely remained in our DNA.

I can attest this. I will walk right out into traffic if my cell phone rings. Speaking to a passenger while I’m driving is not conducive to anyone’s safety within a five mile radius. Just ask anyone who’s driven with me. (My dad will definitely verify this).

Listening to NPR while driving is risky behavior for me.

So, I’m all on board with a woman in the executive office. If only she’d taught her daughter that whole spermatozoa-not-meeting-the-ova thing rather than “just say no.”

A little tweaking of the “judgment DNA” might be in order for that family.

I still think she looks just like Peggy Hill.

Veep Announcement

A Few Good Touch-Ups

John McCain's wife, Cindy, would make a scary First Lady.

The woman certainly looks like she's had a few facial enhancements.

See that smile? It's probably causing her ankles to cross.