Proposition 8

As usual, when I'm irked by something, I try to find irony and humor in it.

Gay Marriage Ban Makes California a Haven for Gay Couples

SACRAMENTO - Ever since California voters approved Proposition 8, the so-called gay marriage ban, the Golden State has become an unexpected haven for gay couples.

Against all expectations, thousands of same-sex couples from across the United States and Canada are pouring into California, seeking refuge there from the pitfalls of heterosexual-style marriage.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, divorce rates among heterosexuals in California were the some of the highest in the United States in 2007. In fact, the heterosexual divorce rate in California, 5.1 per 1,000 marriages, was 72 percent higher than the national average and nearly six times higher than that of Massachusetts.

With the majority of heterosexual marriages ending in divorce, especially among the Hollywood elite, Californians felt compelled to protect their gay citizens from the high odds of having to endure similarly painful and degrading marriage outcomes.

In a recent interview, California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger noted the consequences of the increasing divorce rate among heterosexual Californians.

"The majority of children in my state come from broken homes, which I find appalling," said the governor.

"What’s even worse is that billions of our tax dollars are pocketed by divorce lawyers. That's money that could have been allocated toward things that Californians truly need and would appreciate, such as celebrity rehab centers or high-speed rail lines to Las Vegas."

"Now that Proposition 8 is the law of the land, I've realized that the majority of heterosexual Californians really do want to protect our gay citizens from the social and monetary damages caused by heterosexual-style marriages."

Mayra Robertson-Jang, a wedding consultant in Los Angeles, is also relieved by the new amendment.

"I've been in this business for twenty-seven years, and let me tell you, these weddings are getting weirder by the minute," said Robertson-Jang.

She recalled a recent outdoor wedding on Santa Monica Beach in which a recording of Enya’s 'Amarantine' was played for the wedding march and the bride insisted on wearing same cocktail dress featured by Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.

“The mother of the bride had just been released from an eating disorder rehab and showed up with a feeding tube up her nose. It really makes you wonder if there is a god.”

"And don't get me started on these couples who write their own vows! If I hear one more quote from Kahlil Gibran or the Desiderata, I'm just going to throw up."

Robertson-Jang paused, then smiled, and her tone suddenly brightened. "At least part of our society will be safe from this disgusting trend!"

"Let's face it, no one enjoys going to weddings except the bride," she continued with a wince.

"Then, these narcissistic little daddy's-girls decide that their weddings are an honor-yourself beauty pageant. They end up putting both families into debt and getting divorced within a year."
"At least gay Californians won't be in danger of incurring such god-awful resentment from their families!"

Helen Osmond-Jeffs, a long-time music director at the Westwood Mormon Temple observed: "I've provided music for hundreds of weddings and you just wouldn't believe the stuff these people want to be played!"

She remembers one particular bride who requested that the tabernacle choir perform Gretchen Wilson's Redneck Woman while the mothers were being seated.

Now that Proposition 8 has been passed," said Mrs. Osmond-Jeffs, "five-to-eight percent of our congregation won't be making requests like that. It'll make this place a little more dignified—and my job that much less embarrassing."

She sighed and gazed pensively out the window. "I just wish more of our congregation were gay."

The temple’s pastor, Reverend Warner Jeffs, agreed.

"I realize that the Latter-Day Saints have re-defined marriage at least three times during our history. But back in the 1950s, weddings were really dignified," he said. "Now you never know what to expect."

"Last week the ring bearer and flower girl were the couple's own children from their seventh and ninth marriages, -- and the damn bride wore white! You bet I voted to keep the sanctity of marriage in California."

"I'm really glad the gay members of the Westwood Temple won't be following the immoral examples that others have set."

Dan Henderson and his partner, David, recently made their way to California from Boston, where gay marriages are legal.

"Gay weddings back there were becoming such a cliché," said Mr. Henderson to a reporter at the Napa Valley Raw Food Festival.

"If I heard the theme from Brokeback Mountain at one more wedding, I thought I'd just scream. The last time that happened, I knew I couldn’t take it anymore."

"It's such a relief now that we've made it to Sausalito," said Henderson with tears welling in his eyes while grasping his partner's hand. "We'll be safe here."

Members of California’s lesbian and gay community responded with similar enthusiasm.

Actress and talk-show host, Ellen Degeneres admitted to having been relieved when Proposition 8 passed.

"I was really worried there for a while that marriage might actually remain legal for us in California," said Degeneres.

"After all, haven't my people suffered enough?"

Satire Article

After seeing Ellen break out into tears on her talk show recently, I thought, "Hmmm, there's something funny there." So, I wrote an article for Pugbus.net. Click here to see the published article. (Click here to see all my articles at Pugbus.net) As always, many thanks to Phil, the publisher of Pugbus for his ingenious editing.

Ellen Degeneres Fears Iggy Will Go to Michael Vick

By Buckner Wheat
Oct 20, 2007,

LOS ANGELES – A tearful Ellen Degeneres told E! News' Ryan Seacrest yesterday that she fears Iggy, the puppy she adopted and then gave away to her hairdresser two weeks later, would be sent to ex-football star Michael Vick “just to punish me.”

Sobbing uncontrollably, Ms. Degeneres, 49, accused Marina Batkis, owner of the animal adoption agency Mutts and Moms, of being willing "to do anything to get even with me for finding Iggy a better home than she could.”

In case you’ve been distracted from Iggygate by other breaking news, Ms. Degeneres and her current life partner, Portia de Rossi (nee Amanda Lee Rogers), gave up on Iggy after two weeks because he couldn’t get along with their cats.

Instead of returning Iggy to Ms. Batkis—as the contract that Ms. Rogers-de Rossi had signed with Mutts and Moms specified—the ladies gave the puppy to Ms. Degeneres’ hairdresser without so much as a by-your-leave to Mutts and Moms. Subsequently Mutts and Moms repossessed the dog and, according to reliable sources, have already placed him in another home—and that’s what’s got Ms. Degeneres’ bowling shirt in a twist.

“I just know Iggy’s gonna wind up with Michael Vick,” blubbered Ms. Degeneres, “and all to punish me.”

Ms. Batkis, for her part, appears willing to feed into Ms. Degeneres’ paranoia.

“Mr. Vick applied to adopt Iggy the very next day, right after we had taken him from what’s-her-name’s hairdresser and stuffed him into a cage,” said Ms. Batkis with a wry smile.

“My heart really went out to him—Mr. Vick, I mean—especially after his own facility, Bad Newz Kennels, had been closed by authorities.”

Ms. Batkis also pointed out that Mr. Vick could easily pass Mutts and Moms' strict adoption screening because he has no children and no other pets in his residence.

“This ought to show Ellen the importance of placing our animals in proper homes,” said Ms. Batkis.

Mr. Vick, meanwhile, issued a statement through his lawyer Billy Martin.

“Michael is extremely surprised and happy to learn that he’s getting a new pet,” said Mr. Martin, who also reported that his client “has high hopes for the little guy."

“Michael sees Iggy as his ticket out. He figures there’s no way he’s going to do any time now that he’s being entrusted with Iggy.”

As part of his rehabilitative efforts, Mr. Vick plans to open a pit bull rescue service named Good Newz Kennels in the near future.

“Once my sentencing hearing is over with, Iggy will be the perfect ‘starter-dog’ for my new facility,” said Mr. Vick. “I know pit bulls, and they’ll just love him to pieces.”

Such is Ms. Degeneres’ fear that Mr. Vick will spell bad newz for Iggy that she cancelled her show Friday, and those closest to her fear she may never “pretend to be funny” again.

“She’s crazier now than she was after her Oscar performance,” said Ms. Rogers-de Rossi. “I don’t know what to do with her! She just sits in front of the TV totally ignoring the cats and watching Anne Heche in Psycho over and over.

“If she doesn’t snap out of it soon, all these damn cats are going straight to the pound. Frankly, I can’t stand the little muthers.”

---

In related news, Melissa Etheridge is planning to host a “Free Iggy” benefit at Madison Square Garden next month. The Indigo Girls, Janis Ian, and Ashley Simpson are among the artists who have agreed to perform.

Degeneres Delimma

I was surprised to see Ellen Degeneres go all sobby-boo-hoo on her talk show recently. Apparently, she claims she made a mistake when, after adopting a dog from a shelter who turned out to be too rambunctious for her cats, she gave the dog named Iggy to her hairdresser’s children. Turns out that the shelter from which she adopted Iggy had a policy of no re-adoptions and does not let their dogs be taken into households that have kids. It was all in writing. So, during their follow-up and learning Ellen had given Iggy to someone else, they took him back.

She messed up. At least she admitted it wholeheartedly.

Granted, we don’t know all the details of the story.

Perhaps the owner of the shelter did find that Iggy's new home was unacceptable or unsafe.

Maybe Ellen knew about the policy but decided to thwart it anyway.

There’s a lot we don’t know, but it seems to me that Ellen reacted inappropriately by using her talk show to bring so much attention to this predicament. We know she’s very passionate about animals, all well and good. Perhaps she let that passion get the best of her before thinking it through.

Now the kids are involved, the owner of the animal shelter is being bombarded, and the blogs are going crazy over this event. (Shame on the bloggers!)

Frankly, I think Michael Vick ought to be a guest on her program, console her and give her a big hug. He can certainly relate to the subject dogs being taken away from their owners.

Vote!

Hey, look!

I just added a poll-thingie to my sidebar thingie.

I'm so surprised it worked. I can mess up a website with HTML pretty quickly.

Regarding Rosie O'Donnell leaving "The View," frankly, I don't think she's really appropriate for that program. While I wholly support her views, I think the spat with Donald Trump was a sad display of two adults acting like five-year-olds.

Frankly, I'd love to see Whoopi Goldberg slip in to fill the vacancy. She's funny, articulate, and can voice her political opinions with humor and a clever wit that I love so well.

While a lot of the gays like Kathy Griffin, I think she's pretty pathetic in that her entire schtick relies on the slamming of other celebs. What's worse is that when the tables are turned, she's the first one to bang on her high chair.

So? Who would you vote for? Take the poll and let's see how it goes. If you have any other ideas for polls, just let me know.