Proposition 8

As usual, when I'm irked by something, I try to find irony and humor in it.

Gay Marriage Ban Makes California a Haven for Gay Couples

SACRAMENTO - Ever since California voters approved Proposition 8, the so-called gay marriage ban, the Golden State has become an unexpected haven for gay couples.

Against all expectations, thousands of same-sex couples from across the United States and Canada are pouring into California, seeking refuge there from the pitfalls of heterosexual-style marriage.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, divorce rates among heterosexuals in California were the some of the highest in the United States in 2007. In fact, the heterosexual divorce rate in California, 5.1 per 1,000 marriages, was 72 percent higher than the national average and nearly six times higher than that of Massachusetts.

With the majority of heterosexual marriages ending in divorce, especially among the Hollywood elite, Californians felt compelled to protect their gay citizens from the high odds of having to endure similarly painful and degrading marriage outcomes.

In a recent interview, California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger noted the consequences of the increasing divorce rate among heterosexual Californians.

"The majority of children in my state come from broken homes, which I find appalling," said the governor.

"What’s even worse is that billions of our tax dollars are pocketed by divorce lawyers. That's money that could have been allocated toward things that Californians truly need and would appreciate, such as celebrity rehab centers or high-speed rail lines to Las Vegas."

"Now that Proposition 8 is the law of the land, I've realized that the majority of heterosexual Californians really do want to protect our gay citizens from the social and monetary damages caused by heterosexual-style marriages."

Mayra Robertson-Jang, a wedding consultant in Los Angeles, is also relieved by the new amendment.

"I've been in this business for twenty-seven years, and let me tell you, these weddings are getting weirder by the minute," said Robertson-Jang.

She recalled a recent outdoor wedding on Santa Monica Beach in which a recording of Enya’s 'Amarantine' was played for the wedding march and the bride insisted on wearing same cocktail dress featured by Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.

“The mother of the bride had just been released from an eating disorder rehab and showed up with a feeding tube up her nose. It really makes you wonder if there is a god.”

"And don't get me started on these couples who write their own vows! If I hear one more quote from Kahlil Gibran or the Desiderata, I'm just going to throw up."

Robertson-Jang paused, then smiled, and her tone suddenly brightened. "At least part of our society will be safe from this disgusting trend!"

"Let's face it, no one enjoys going to weddings except the bride," she continued with a wince.

"Then, these narcissistic little daddy's-girls decide that their weddings are an honor-yourself beauty pageant. They end up putting both families into debt and getting divorced within a year."
"At least gay Californians won't be in danger of incurring such god-awful resentment from their families!"

Helen Osmond-Jeffs, a long-time music director at the Westwood Mormon Temple observed: "I've provided music for hundreds of weddings and you just wouldn't believe the stuff these people want to be played!"

She remembers one particular bride who requested that the tabernacle choir perform Gretchen Wilson's Redneck Woman while the mothers were being seated.

Now that Proposition 8 has been passed," said Mrs. Osmond-Jeffs, "five-to-eight percent of our congregation won't be making requests like that. It'll make this place a little more dignified—and my job that much less embarrassing."

She sighed and gazed pensively out the window. "I just wish more of our congregation were gay."

The temple’s pastor, Reverend Warner Jeffs, agreed.

"I realize that the Latter-Day Saints have re-defined marriage at least three times during our history. But back in the 1950s, weddings were really dignified," he said. "Now you never know what to expect."

"Last week the ring bearer and flower girl were the couple's own children from their seventh and ninth marriages, -- and the damn bride wore white! You bet I voted to keep the sanctity of marriage in California."

"I'm really glad the gay members of the Westwood Temple won't be following the immoral examples that others have set."

Dan Henderson and his partner, David, recently made their way to California from Boston, where gay marriages are legal.

"Gay weddings back there were becoming such a cliché," said Mr. Henderson to a reporter at the Napa Valley Raw Food Festival.

"If I heard the theme from Brokeback Mountain at one more wedding, I thought I'd just scream. The last time that happened, I knew I couldn’t take it anymore."

"It's such a relief now that we've made it to Sausalito," said Henderson with tears welling in his eyes while grasping his partner's hand. "We'll be safe here."

Members of California’s lesbian and gay community responded with similar enthusiasm.

Actress and talk-show host, Ellen Degeneres admitted to having been relieved when Proposition 8 passed.

"I was really worried there for a while that marriage might actually remain legal for us in California," said Degeneres.

"After all, haven't my people suffered enough?"