Satire Article

After seeing Ellen break out into tears on her talk show recently, I thought, "Hmmm, there's something funny there." So, I wrote an article for Pugbus.net. Click here to see the published article. (Click here to see all my articles at Pugbus.net) As always, many thanks to Phil, the publisher of Pugbus for his ingenious editing.

Ellen Degeneres Fears Iggy Will Go to Michael Vick

By Buckner Wheat
Oct 20, 2007,

LOS ANGELES – A tearful Ellen Degeneres told E! News' Ryan Seacrest yesterday that she fears Iggy, the puppy she adopted and then gave away to her hairdresser two weeks later, would be sent to ex-football star Michael Vick “just to punish me.”

Sobbing uncontrollably, Ms. Degeneres, 49, accused Marina Batkis, owner of the animal adoption agency Mutts and Moms, of being willing "to do anything to get even with me for finding Iggy a better home than she could.”

In case you’ve been distracted from Iggygate by other breaking news, Ms. Degeneres and her current life partner, Portia de Rossi (nee Amanda Lee Rogers), gave up on Iggy after two weeks because he couldn’t get along with their cats.

Instead of returning Iggy to Ms. Batkis—as the contract that Ms. Rogers-de Rossi had signed with Mutts and Moms specified—the ladies gave the puppy to Ms. Degeneres’ hairdresser without so much as a by-your-leave to Mutts and Moms. Subsequently Mutts and Moms repossessed the dog and, according to reliable sources, have already placed him in another home—and that’s what’s got Ms. Degeneres’ bowling shirt in a twist.

“I just know Iggy’s gonna wind up with Michael Vick,” blubbered Ms. Degeneres, “and all to punish me.”

Ms. Batkis, for her part, appears willing to feed into Ms. Degeneres’ paranoia.

“Mr. Vick applied to adopt Iggy the very next day, right after we had taken him from what’s-her-name’s hairdresser and stuffed him into a cage,” said Ms. Batkis with a wry smile.

“My heart really went out to him—Mr. Vick, I mean—especially after his own facility, Bad Newz Kennels, had been closed by authorities.”

Ms. Batkis also pointed out that Mr. Vick could easily pass Mutts and Moms' strict adoption screening because he has no children and no other pets in his residence.

“This ought to show Ellen the importance of placing our animals in proper homes,” said Ms. Batkis.

Mr. Vick, meanwhile, issued a statement through his lawyer Billy Martin.

“Michael is extremely surprised and happy to learn that he’s getting a new pet,” said Mr. Martin, who also reported that his client “has high hopes for the little guy."

“Michael sees Iggy as his ticket out. He figures there’s no way he’s going to do any time now that he’s being entrusted with Iggy.”

As part of his rehabilitative efforts, Mr. Vick plans to open a pit bull rescue service named Good Newz Kennels in the near future.

“Once my sentencing hearing is over with, Iggy will be the perfect ‘starter-dog’ for my new facility,” said Mr. Vick. “I know pit bulls, and they’ll just love him to pieces.”

Such is Ms. Degeneres’ fear that Mr. Vick will spell bad newz for Iggy that she cancelled her show Friday, and those closest to her fear she may never “pretend to be funny” again.

“She’s crazier now than she was after her Oscar performance,” said Ms. Rogers-de Rossi. “I don’t know what to do with her! She just sits in front of the TV totally ignoring the cats and watching Anne Heche in Psycho over and over.

“If she doesn’t snap out of it soon, all these damn cats are going straight to the pound. Frankly, I can’t stand the little muthers.”

---

In related news, Melissa Etheridge is planning to host a “Free Iggy” benefit at Madison Square Garden next month. The Indigo Girls, Janis Ian, and Ashley Simpson are among the artists who have agreed to perform.