Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Da Vinci Had It Easy

I am one tired and worn-out puppy. I spent the entire holiday weekend painting my new apartment, an activity that is completely new and foreign to my skills set.

I love the new colors. Those arches in the living room were just begging to be painted.

The first thing one must do when painting a room is a lot of “prep.” This involves taping the perimeter of the walls so that you can get a clean line when you paint and avoid splattering the paint into the next room. You need special painter’s tape to accomplish this task effectively.

The second thing one must realize is that not all tape is created equal. Some painter’s tape works, most does not. If your surface has a bump in it larger than one millionth of a micron, the painter’s tape will be totally ineffective. Your paint job will look like it was done by a myopic two-year-old and you’ll have to start all over from the beginning.

Much cursing will ensue so please be prepared for that.

Also, you will need about two hundred pieces of equipment such as 12 different varieties of brushes, lots of protective drop cloths, a boom box for music and news, and a ladder.

Do not underestimate the importance of drop cloths. There were a couple of instances amid all the cursing that I almost dropped a container of Van Deusen Blue paint. If the drop cloth had not been there, I would have had to live with carpet festooned with Van Deusen blotches.

One must be in prime physical condition in order to paint a room.

I am not.

You should be able to crouch in really weird positions, some not even listed in the Kama Sutra, for extended periods of time. You should be able to paint with either hand, especially when one gets covered in Van Deusen Blue while teetering on the top rung of a ladder.

You should also be able to carry the heavy ladder the equivalent of three hundred miles during the course of a weekend while cursing at the same time.

Know of a hardware store nearby. Even though you will begin with two hundred pieces of equipment, you will need to acquire more as you go. Plan on visiting the hardware store every two hours.

In the end, you will, hopefully, have an apartment that “pops”. I’m not sure if mine does yet because I’m so exhausted.

My popping-recognition ability has completely been worn out from all the cursing.


At 10:17 PM , Blogger Miss Healthypants said...

LOL! You are too funny, Dooder! :)

I have only painted a couple of times, and I hated it both times. It really is as much a pain in the a** as you describe here. :)

At 6:50 AM , Blogger Al In The County said...

Painting tips! Things we can use, all found on Blogger.

Question. Is the 200 piece "starter kit" found at Lowe's or...dare I say...Wally World?

And does it come with a guide to tell you which brushes you will need to return to purchase once you start painting and how long they have been out of stock of said brush?

Questions. I have questions, darn it.

At 4:02 PM , Blogger Lorraine said...

I love having freshly painted walls and every now and again I get a bug to "redo" my colors. This goes in cycles of about 5 years...allowing me to forget how much I hate painting. Thank you for reminding me...we'll live with the walls for a few more years now.

I am terribly impressed with how well that blue matches your couch.

At 9:22 AM , Blogger jp said...

I'd say you've pretty much summarized the experience acurately.

Still, I don't totally hate painting. The end result is almost always worth it.

At 2:57 AM , Blogger Speck said...

Oh, I *love* painting....as long as it's somebody else's house and all the rooms are empty. Hubby says I must start painting our whole house on Tuesday with all the furniture still in it. C.R.A.P.


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