Family Values

Here's how I imagine a dialogue went between Senator Larry Craig and his wife:

Craig: “Baby, I promise. I’m not gay!"

Wife: “Then, please tell me, why were you tapping your foot in the bathroom stall?”

I was listening to my Judy Garland collection on my i-Pod. You try listening to Chattanooga Choo-Choo without tapping your foot! Really! You just try it. It can’t be done. I promise you, I’m not gay.

But what about that page back in 83? You sent him all those gifts. And that concert! You took him to that horrible concert.

He said he liked ‘Culture Club’. I thought it was a group outing to an art museum or something. How the hell was I supposed to know?

Boy George sent you chocolates the next day.

Well. . . . I’m not gay.

And that policeman. He reported that you rubbed your foot against his.

He’s making that up! If anything, he might be gay!

How in the world would you know that? How? Tell me!

(flustered) Because his thingie tasted like shi . . . . .
Well, I just know!

You’re disgusting. Leave me alone!

(trying to hug her) No, really, baby. C’mon now.

You haven’t touched me in over twenty years. Don’t try and start now!

Ummm. Can we talk later? Men’s gymnastics is on. . . .
. . . but, I’m not gay. . . .