Greeting Cards, Birthday or Otherwise

The building where I work has a greeting card store in the lower level. That makes it convenient for those of us (i.e. guys) who want to expend as little energy as possible when buying a card for a loved one.

Women love to buy cards. They will spend hours reading all the cards to find just the right one, usually for a guy.

Me, I usually look at the ones with a big puppy-face on it first. Beagle and basset hound puppies are best. Can't go wrong with a puppy-face.

So, I was in the convenient card store in my building, looking for a birthday card for Miss Healthypants. She should feel so honored.

Let me tell you, this card store had the stupidest cards I've ever seen. All of them seemed to have these really lame puns and jokes on them. At one point, after reading a particularly dumb card, I couldn't contain myself and loudly blurted out, "Oh, you gotta be kidding me!"

I had to work very hard to find a card that wasn't lame or stupid for Miss Healthypant's birthday. She should feel so honored.

Cards for our grandmothers are hard to come by. Not because the Card People don't make enough of them, but because they all say things like, "For you, Grandmother, on your. . . "

Who the hell actually calls their grandmothers "Grandmother"?? Probably the last person to do so was a guy named Percy in Victorian England. And then his schoolmates soundly trounced him.

My grandmothers were called Granny and Budgie. My great-grandmothers (are you ready for this) were Big-Mama and Grandmama-mama.

My mom is called Garanny. Not Granny, but GA-ranny.

My friend, Madeline, called her grandmothers Coco and Wowo (pronouced woah-woah).

So, where are the cards that acknowledge Budgie, Coco, Wowo, Garanny and Grandmama-mama?
"Grandmother" indeed!

An appropriate Father's Day card is hard to find too. They're wayyy too sappy. Sure, I love my Dad and easily say so when we end a phone conversation. He's a loveable guy. But I don't want to send a card that has a silhouette of a father and son fishing with "Throughout my life you were always there to . . . . "

Stop! I'm trying to keep my lunch down, okay? Geez!

There should just be a whole section of cards with basset hound puppies on the front and blank insides. Like this one here. On the inside I'd write,
"I have to pee."

Now that would be a good card for any occasion!

By the way, what did you call your grandmothers?