Saturday, December 31, 2011

Tim Tebow Denounced by Interracial Marriage Opponents

It's been a long while since I wrote a piece of satire, but darn-it! My frustration with Tim Tebow, the conservative Baptists, football, and marriage equality all got wrapped up into one.


Christian Quarterback Tim Tebow Denounced by Interracial Marriage Opponents

LOUISVILLE KY - Following the firestorm that erupted when the Gulnare Freewill Baptist Church in rural Kentucky voted to ban mixed-race couples from joining their congregation, numerous members of the National Association of Freewill Baptist Churches have begun utilizing photographs of the notorious Christian quarterback, Tim Tebow -- often seen in passionate, kissing embraces with exclusively African-American partners – to spearhead their national campaign against interracial marriage. 

More than 40 years ago, the U.S. Supreme Court obstructed a Virginia statute barring whites from marrying nonwhites, overturning bans in 15 other states. But while interracial marriages have soared since then, many churches in the South remain largely segregated. 

“Frankly, I have no problem with mixed marriages and we welcome them in our congregation,” reported Freewill Baptist Executive Secretary, Ryan Burden. “But when a handsome, muscular, strapping Christian quarterback such as Tim Tebow who is such a fine spokesman for Christianity and purity is seen time and time again kissing only blacks, well, that gives a confusing message to our young people.” 

Burden paused to collect his thoughts. “I mean, what are our Christian athletes supposed to think when Tebow kisses Demaryius Thomas so hard and with such passion? He's never seen kissin' any white ball players at all! It’s only going to lead to more mixing of the races!” 

To date, the notoriously Christian quarterback, who proclaims he will remain a virgin until marriage, has only been seen kissing African-American team members, holding them in firm, musclebound embraces, then praying on the sidelines. Although Tebow is often photographed in infamous sideline prayer-stance on one knee, he has yet to be spotted in a romantic embrace with any same-race companions.

Heather Kelly, head cheerleader for the University of Florida Gators, had met Tebow on numerous occasions during his tenure with the championship team. “I practically, like, threw myself at him every chance I got, but he was, like, never interested and I, like, kept asking myself, ‘Why?’ Was he, like, not attracted to me? After I saw him, like, only hugging and kissing African American Gators, I, like, knew.”

Fellowship of Christian Athletes and Veteran NFL coach, Les Steckel, was equally perplexed with Tebow’s obvious choice of partners and read from a printed statement: “Tim Tebow has been a fine, upstanding symbol of Christian conservatism to which our young athletes aspire. While we have no problem with racial equality, his obvious proclivity toward partners of the opposite race presents a sudden level of multiculturalism that we, the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, have yet the opportunity to embrace.”

Across the South, anti-miscegenation demonstrations continue to spread. Although such movements have been sporadic and miniscule since the 1960s, fundamentalist Christian organizations such as the Freewill Baptists have re-ignited the cause largely due to Tebow’s choice of public displays of affection with exclusively African-American partners on his own team. 

The movement, along with Tebow’s romantic interests, shows no signs of abating. 

© 2011 J. Buckner Wheat

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At 10:59 AM , Blogger Bob said...

Seriously, these crack me up.
You ought to send them to The Onion to see if they'll run them!


At 11:10 AM , Blogger Br. Jonathan said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At 2:04 PM , Blogger I, Robot said...

Nicely done. Definitely Onion-worthy.

At 2:40 PM , Blogger Br. Jonathan said...

Thanks , I Robot!

At 5:51 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great post! Tebow works my nerves! You could start your own Onion!

At 6:58 PM , Blogger Rooster said...

Having been held against my will in a Baptist concentration camp(Junior High and High School), I found this post to be poignantly hilarious! Brilliantly written.

The Baptists have a uncanny ability turn the littlest thing into a threat against Christ, the church, and the very fabric of "Christian America". It helps to whip the masses into a frothy mouthed frenzy, which is good for the collection plate. It takes a lot of bucks to fight Satan and common sense. So give freely....

I'm feeling a bit traumatized so it's off to the fridge for a nice cold beer.


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