Friday, December 16, 2011


I’ll be the first to admit that I am not a sports fan. I just fail to see the intrinsic value in winning a game, much less paying pro athletes billions of dollars to do so. The fact that Tim Tebow prays on the sideline for a touchdown really irks me.  (God should remind Temow that his profession is FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.)

But this doesn’t mean that I don’t have opinions about sports. As a matter of fact, I think my insights as someone who doesn’t watch them can be pretty, well, insightful.

Let’s take basketball. The court is way too small. You’ve got these giant guys loping back and forth, taking about three steps to make basket after basket. The score is always something like 102 to 100. That’s a lot of baskets.

Then, you’ve got soccer. The field is way too big. These guys run and run and run and never make a goal. The score is always something like Brazil: 1, Uruguay: 0.

Solution: Have the giant basketball guys play on a court the size of a soccer field. That would give these guys some room to display their ball-handling skills. Let the soccer guys play on a field the size of a basketball court. That would really give the goalie a workout and make the game much more exciting. Brazilian fans would have a coronary with their team scoring 102 points. Cheerleaders getting a soccer ball in the face would be an added bonus.

Figure skating: Way too much importance is placed on landing the jumps. That’s all the judges seem to care about. A skater can have perfect form, an incredibly creative routine, but if the poor guy bobbles the landing on a quadruple toe-loop, his career is toast.

Solution: At least half the competitions should have no jumps allowed. That way, the skaters will be judged on what truly matters: Perfect form, artistic routines, skating that actually goes with the music, and sparkly costumes.

Gymnastics: Again, too much emphasis placed on “sticking the landing.” The poor gymnast can do triple-flying flips ten feet above the high bar, but if she wobbles one millimeter during the landing, she loses the medal for the entire Russian team.

Solution: Once the bar routine is finished, the gymnast simply cannon-balls into a tub of water. It’s an easy way of removing all the chalk, not to mention tremendous comedic effect.

Football: It’s so boring! These huge guys huddle-and-plan, huddle-and-plan, the quarterback rams his hands under the crotch of the crouching player, they all smash into each other as hard as they can, and all fall down.

Solution: Flag football only. And no touching or tackling. At all. If anyone touches, there’s a penalty. Such a game would require a lot more skill for all the players and make the game a lot more interesting.

And Tim Tebow would no longer have to manhandle a guy’s junk every Sunday. Praise the Lord.



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