Saturday, June 25, 2011

Former Football Star Enables Gay Marriage

I have to admit, the moment I read David Tyree's comments about gay marriage, I had this satire piece waiting in the wings.

Here you go: (It was fun)

BUFFALO NY - Former Giant's Star Enables Gay Marriage.

Evangelical Christians across the nation are casting blame and sole responsibility on ex-Giant’s receiver, David Tyree, for New York’s  Senate passage of same-sex marriage bill due to his winning catch during the fourth quarter of Superbowl’s XLII.

Earlier in the week, the former Giant’s superstar explained that he would gladly “give up” his Superbowl win in order to see the gay marriage bill defeated.

The retired athlete took it even further last week when he said he would have traded his iconic catch and victory over the Patriots if it meant that gay marriage would be banned.

The New York gay marriage bill was passed by the Senate, 33-29, and was immediately signed by Governor Andrew Cuomo in Albany.

Pat Robertson of the Christian Broadcast Network attributes the passage of gay marriage in New York solely on Tyree’s shoulders: 

“The fact that this outstanding Christian athlete would have given up such a victory to see gay marriage defeated only shows that, had he not made that winning catch, we would be seeing the defeat of this abominable law being passed in the great state of New York.”

Robertson sighed and thought for a moment. 

“Clearly, the fact that this man said he’d trade his winning of the Superbowl so that gay marriage would be defeated, but went on to catch the winning pass, has indeed brought on the ability of men to have anal, matrimonial sex in this country.”

Governor Rick Perry of Texas, while speaking to a large delegation from the Fellowship Of Christian Athletes explained that, “All across this Christian state on every Friday night, millions of high school football fans offer prayers for the victory and the benevolence of God on their teams."

"While David Tyree was willing to give up a championship interception in order to thwart gay marriage . . . "

. . .The governor hesitated for a few moments, and continued,

"I feel confident that none of my constituency would prevent their sons from being anally assaulted in a state of matrimony for the sake of giving up state-division playoffs!"

Sudden cheers and a deafening applause bolted from the crowd of over twenty thousand.

Gay Pride parades are typically held on the weekend of June 29, the date of the Stonewall riots that signaled the beginning of the Gay Pride movement in 1969.

Due to David Tyree's recent statements in influencing a positive vote for gay marriage, the former Giant's star has received over eight hundred  invitations to be Master of Ceremonies in various Pride parades across the nation scheduled for June 25 and 26.

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At 12:25 PM , Blogger Bob said...

Love it!

At 6:37 AM , Blogger Marc Freden said...

The prediction was anarchy…so said former NY Giants Superbowl star David Tyree. He was talking about the results of the hotly contested gay marriage bill which just passed in New York, granting the right to gays the nation over to…God forbid…tie the knot. Just what could he mean by anarchy? Could he mean the national rush of drag queens to Kleinfeld Bridal of television reality fame—to ‘say yes to the dress’? Did he mean that traditional brides would have to plan that much further in advance as all the good ballrooms of Manhattan will be scooped by the double income no kids, DINKs, flush with cash and desire to out do the last do? Or is it something simpler, like public displays of affection springing up everywhere—hand holding, kisses goodbye? I dare ask, has Tyree ever walked through Chelsea? If it means anarchy…bring it on. The last time I understood true anarchy was during the LA Riots where people of Tyree’s own ethnicity took to the streets to burn what they could to…I guess…make a point and scare a nation. Fear not Tyree, gays are scared of fire—too much product in our hair makes us more combustible than the average straight guy. There will be no burnings in the streets.

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