Conspiracy Theories Abound After Bin Laden's Death

(Today's news was ripe for satire. It's good to be back in the satirical saddle once again.)

WASHINGTON DC: Unwilling to acknowledge the Obama administration’s victory in the war on terror, Tea-Party officials are questioning the truth behind the president’s announcement that Osama bin Laden had been killed by U.S. forces.


Tea Party protesters were already gathering among the celebratory crowds in front of the White House within minutes of the announcement.

“We want to see Osama’s original long-form death certificate!” announced one protester to Fox news correspondent, Sean Hannity. “Not a certificate of death.”

Conspiracy theorists, now dubbed members of the “deather movement” are already questioning why bin Laden’s body was quickly buried at sea.

“Hundreds of people called me up about this,” said real estate mogul and reality TV host, Donald Trump. “Frankly, I don’t believe Osama’s death certificate really exists. But trust me, I’ve got private investigators on the ground in Pakistan and you won’t believe what they’re telling me they’ve found.”

When asked for details by CNN’s Anderson Cooper, Mr. Trump said that “those matters are private at this time.”

The one-time governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, questioned why a small, elite platoon of service members was used to eradicate "the Taliban" leader. “Why did it have to be such a covert operation?” she queried. “That’s certainly not how we do things in Alaska!”

Arizona governor, Jan Brewer, thought it was suspicious that bin Laden was found in Pakistan rather than Afghanistan. “This just goes to show the need for tougher immigration laws,” reported the governor. “Trust me. He wouldn’t have made his way into Arizona. Certainly not with that dark skin.”

Although the “deather movement” is now active, Obama’s approval rating has soared since the news of bin Laden’s death, thus ensuring a certain 2012 presidential victory for the incumbent.

In other news, Fox News hosts Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity were suddenly rushed to local hospitals after their heads exploded upon hearing that Michele Obama is considering a presidential run in 2016, thus paving the way for an Obama White House through the year 2024.

Effective Product Placement

New Satire Article

It's been a while since I wrote a satire piece, but after Pat Robertson's idiotic remark about Haiti, I couldn't let him get away with that. You can see the published version here.

Pat Robertson Mortified by Haitian ‘Miracle’

by Buckner Wheat

PORT AU PRINCE - Much to the horror of TV evangelist, Pat Robertson, an overwhelming majority of monetary donations to Haiti’s earthquake victims are being sent by gay men from across the U.S. and Canada – a trend that has had Red Cross officials completely baffled.

The TV evangelist came under recent fire for claiming that the devastating earthquake was God’s retribution for Haiti’s “pact with the devil” over two hundred years ago; a statement that immediately brought ire from both the right and left of the political spectrum.

“At first, I thought this might be a knee-jerk reaction by the gay community to Mr. Robertson’s idiotic statement,” said Red Cross President & CEO, Gail McGovern. She cited a Pat Robertson voodoo doll that recently fetched over one thousand dollars for Haitian relief on eBay.

“But there had to be something more to it than that,” she thought.

While waiting for a departing flight at Chicago’s O’Hare International, McGovern notice that members of Chicago’s gay hockey team, the Puck-Buddies, were glued to CNN’s coverage of the events in Haiti while waiting to depart.

“At first, I couldn’t figure out why these men were so engrossed in CNN’s coverage – that is, until Anderson Cooper appeared in his skin-tight, Gap t-shirt. It was very obvious that Cooper’s been working out quite a bit lately and that his muscle-bound physique was quite spellbounding to members of this group.”

The moment Cooper asked the viewing audience for donations to the Haitian relief fund by texting 90999, every member of the Puck-Buddies suddenly whipped out their iPhones and began contributing feverishly.

At one point, airport paramedics had to be called to the scene when Miss Kitty Litter, a local female impersonator and Puck-Buddy mascot, suddenly fainted upon seeing Mr. Cooper rescue a young man from a riot by effortlessly carrying him to safety, thanks to his newly-pumped biceps.

“Millions of dollars have been pouring in every day; coincidently all donations have been received whenever Anderson Cooper has been reporting from Haiti. And frankly, Pat Robertson couldn’t have ended up with more egg on his face.”

Robertson and his staff at The 700 Club refused to comment on the recent turn of events.

“I can’t thank the gay community enough,” reported McGovern. “Due to their generosity, along with Mr. Cooper’s appeal, the situation in Haiti is finally turning around. It’s truly a miracle.”

Not wanting to be outdone, FOX News has deployed their commentator, Sean Hannity, to the scene with little more than several tank-tops and a half-dozen Speedos.

"I Have a Dream. . . "

I have a peculiar sleep habit in that I always sleep on the sofa, fully clothed, with the lights on and CNN going all night. It’s strange, but it works. (I don’t even own a bed). Having CNN on all night also causes some pretty interesting and entertaining dreams.

Last night, I dreamed that I was a judge at a beauty contest and the contestants were male news anchors. There were the usual competition categories: Talent, swim-suit, and Q&A. Here are some highlights:

Sean Hannity (Fox) The audience kept averting their eyes at the sight of Hannity in a swim suit. Pale, mottled flesh with pimply thighs seldom earns high marks from any judging panel. Sean attempted to sing an Irish ballad during the talent portion, but was struck with stage fright, burst out into tears and ran off the stage crying like a little girl.

Anderson Cooper (CNN) He looked kind of scrawny in his swim suit, but when he flashed a smile and gave a wink with his baby-blues, there was a collective “Awwww” from the judging panel. He wowed the audience with a flaming baton routine set to Donna Summer’s MacArthur Park during the talent segment.

Rick Sanchez (CNN) Who knew that Rick was also an avid bodybuilder? His swim suit appearance doubled as his talent performance.

Bill O’Reilly (Fox) He earned extra points during the swim suit competition for, thankfully, wearing an 1890’s style full-body cotton bathing suit. During the talent portion, O’Reilly appeared in a football uniform and opined on the virtues of high school football while slamming against a blocking sled.

Geraldo Rivera (Fox) Was arrested and disqualified for wearing a lime-green thong during the swim suit competition. Several children were traumetized.

Tucker Carlson (MSNBC) The audience cheered with unabated glee when Carlson got his hair styled on stage. However, Tucker suffered a nasty sprained ankle during the swim suit competition. Apparently, no one informed him that stiletto heels were not required.

Rob Marciano (CNN) Needless to say, Marciano won the swim suit competition, especially after appearing on the heels of Larry King and Lou Dobbs in Speedos. Dr. Sanjay Gupta came in with a close second.