New Satire Article

It's been a while since I wrote a satire piece, but after Pat Robertson's idiotic remark about Haiti, I couldn't let him get away with that. You can see the published version here.

Pat Robertson Mortified by Haitian ‘Miracle’

by Buckner Wheat

PORT AU PRINCE - Much to the horror of TV evangelist, Pat Robertson, an overwhelming majority of monetary donations to Haiti’s earthquake victims are being sent by gay men from across the U.S. and Canada – a trend that has had Red Cross officials completely baffled.

The TV evangelist came under recent fire for claiming that the devastating earthquake was God’s retribution for Haiti’s “pact with the devil” over two hundred years ago; a statement that immediately brought ire from both the right and left of the political spectrum.

“At first, I thought this might be a knee-jerk reaction by the gay community to Mr. Robertson’s idiotic statement,” said Red Cross President & CEO, Gail McGovern. She cited a Pat Robertson voodoo doll that recently fetched over one thousand dollars for Haitian relief on eBay.

“But there had to be something more to it than that,” she thought.

While waiting for a departing flight at Chicago’s O’Hare International, McGovern notice that members of Chicago’s gay hockey team, the Puck-Buddies, were glued to CNN’s coverage of the events in Haiti while waiting to depart.

“At first, I couldn’t figure out why these men were so engrossed in CNN’s coverage – that is, until Anderson Cooper appeared in his skin-tight, Gap t-shirt. It was very obvious that Cooper’s been working out quite a bit lately and that his muscle-bound physique was quite spellbounding to members of this group.”

The moment Cooper asked the viewing audience for donations to the Haitian relief fund by texting 90999, every member of the Puck-Buddies suddenly whipped out their iPhones and began contributing feverishly.

At one point, airport paramedics had to be called to the scene when Miss Kitty Litter, a local female impersonator and Puck-Buddy mascot, suddenly fainted upon seeing Mr. Cooper rescue a young man from a riot by effortlessly carrying him to safety, thanks to his newly-pumped biceps.

“Millions of dollars have been pouring in every day; coincidently all donations have been received whenever Anderson Cooper has been reporting from Haiti. And frankly, Pat Robertson couldn’t have ended up with more egg on his face.”

Robertson and his staff at The 700 Club refused to comment on the recent turn of events.

“I can’t thank the gay community enough,” reported McGovern. “Due to their generosity, along with Mr. Cooper’s appeal, the situation in Haiti is finally turning around. It’s truly a miracle.”

Not wanting to be outdone, FOX News has deployed their commentator, Sean Hannity, to the scene with little more than several tank-tops and a half-dozen Speedos.