Conspiracy Theories Abound After Bin Laden's Death
(Today's news was ripe for satire. It's good to be back in the satirical saddle once again.)
WASHINGTON DC: Unwilling to acknowledge the Obama administration’s victory in the war on terror, Tea-Party officials are questioning the truth behind the president’s announcement that Osama bin Laden had been killed by U.S. forces.
Tea Party protesters were already gathering among the celebratory crowds in front of the White House within minutes of the announcement.
“We want to see Osama’s original long-form death certificate!” announced one protester to Fox news correspondent, Sean Hannity. “Not a certificate of death.”
Conspiracy theorists, now dubbed members of the “deather movement” are already questioning why bin Laden’s body was quickly buried at sea.
“Hundreds of people called me up about this,” said real estate mogul and reality TV host, Donald Trump. “Frankly, I don’t believe Osama’s death certificate really exists. But trust me, I’ve got private investigators on the ground in Pakistan and you won’t believe what they’re telling me they’ve found.”
When asked for details by CNN’s Anderson Cooper, Mr. Trump said that “those matters are private at this time.”
The one-time governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, questioned why a small, elite platoon of service members was used to eradicate "the Taliban" leader. “Why did it have to be such a covert operation?” she queried. “That’s certainly not how we do things in Alaska!”
Arizona governor, Jan Brewer, thought it was suspicious that bin Laden was found in Pakistan rather than Afghanistan. “This just goes to show the need for tougher immigration laws,” reported the governor. “Trust me. He wouldn’t have made his way into Arizona. Certainly not with that dark skin.”
Although the “deather movement” is now active, Obama’s approval rating has soared since the news of bin Laden’s death, thus ensuring a certain 2012 presidential victory for the incumbent.
In other news, Fox News hosts Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity were suddenly rushed to local hospitals after their heads exploded upon hearing that Michele Obama is considering a presidential run in 2016, thus paving the way for an Obama White House through the year 2024.