"I Have a Dream. . . "

I have a peculiar sleep habit in that I always sleep on the sofa, fully clothed, with the lights on and CNN going all night. It’s strange, but it works. (I don’t even own a bed). Having CNN on all night also causes some pretty interesting and entertaining dreams.

Last night, I dreamed that I was a judge at a beauty contest and the contestants were male news anchors. There were the usual competition categories: Talent, swim-suit, and Q&A. Here are some highlights:

Sean Hannity (Fox) The audience kept averting their eyes at the sight of Hannity in a swim suit. Pale, mottled flesh with pimply thighs seldom earns high marks from any judging panel. Sean attempted to sing an Irish ballad during the talent portion, but was struck with stage fright, burst out into tears and ran off the stage crying like a little girl.

Anderson Cooper (CNN) He looked kind of scrawny in his swim suit, but when he flashed a smile and gave a wink with his baby-blues, there was a collective “Awwww” from the judging panel. He wowed the audience with a flaming baton routine set to Donna Summer’s MacArthur Park during the talent segment.

Rick Sanchez (CNN) Who knew that Rick was also an avid bodybuilder? His swim suit appearance doubled as his talent performance.

Bill O’Reilly (Fox) He earned extra points during the swim suit competition for, thankfully, wearing an 1890’s style full-body cotton bathing suit. During the talent portion, O’Reilly appeared in a football uniform and opined on the virtues of high school football while slamming against a blocking sled.

Geraldo Rivera (Fox) Was arrested and disqualified for wearing a lime-green thong during the swim suit competition. Several children were traumetized.

Tucker Carlson (MSNBC) The audience cheered with unabated glee when Carlson got his hair styled on stage. However, Tucker suffered a nasty sprained ankle during the swim suit competition. Apparently, no one informed him that stiletto heels were not required.

Rob Marciano (CNN) Needless to say, Marciano won the swim suit competition, especially after appearing on the heels of Larry King and Lou Dobbs in Speedos. Dr. Sanjay Gupta came in with a close second.