I Had To Do It

I will be the first to admit that I love love LOVE Susan Boyle and everything she represents. I'll freely admit that I instantly got teary-eyed when she sang on Larry King last night.

So, of course, I had to satirize the phenomenon:

Boyle Quickly Takes To Celebrity Life
by Buckner Wheat

GLASGOW - Within days of becoming a worldwide sensation, Scottish singing contestant, Susan Boyle, appears to be embracing the life of a celebrity by emulating the notorious activities of Hollywood’s most famous.

While exiting a limousine to appear on Larry King Live, many spectators in the crowd were shocked by Boyle’s new look. Although the singer was still sporting the same dress she wore as a contestant, it soon became obvious that Hollywood had made a dramatic influence on her appearance.

“She wasn’t wearing panties,” reported Shannon Dwyer, a tourist from Peoria, Illinois. “I couldn’t believe it, but me and my friends all saw it plain as day.”

Ms. Dwyer’s grandmother, Clarice, was also one of the spectators to notice the difference:

“It’s such a shame -- that horrible Britney person has already corrupted such a beautiful soul!”

Upon returning to her native Scotland, the famous crooner was soon pulled over by police near a Glasgow nightclub for driving without a license.

“She was also heavily intoxicated and had sideswiped several other cars, but charges were not pressed,” reported chief constable, Caird MacFarquharson. “She’s such a sweet lass and she gave me her autograph besides.”

Upon leaving the police station, Boyle immediately sought out the nearest salon and demanded to have her head shaved.

“For goodness sake, that shaggy mop is her signature,” said salon owner, Fiona MacPherson. “There was no way I was going to let her do that.”

Meanwhile, a travel agency near Boyle’s home town of Blackburn reports that several airline tickets to Malawi and Namibia have recently been purchased by the singer.

“I think she’s planning to adopt as many orphans as possible,” reported Boyle’s newly-hired publicist, Adaira Ness. “I tried to tell her that there are plenty of children here in Scotland that need good homes, but for some reason she only wants the wee little African babies.”

Ness sighed and pensively gazed out the window for a moment.

“For the life of me, I don’t know where she gets these ideas or what‘s happening to my client. It’s really a bit deranged if you ask me.”

In other news, online retailers of costume eyebrows and wigs are reporting record sales due to thousands of drag queens frantically rushing to incorporate Boyle into their acts.

W W J D?

According the Christian Post, the pastor of a large church in Kentucky has asked the church’s 8,000 members to send letters of love and support to Britney Spears.

Isn’t that just the loveliest thing you’ve ever heard? Thousands of children are starving every day, but these folks expend their energy by writing to Britney Spears.

"I believe they are doing exactly what Jesus would do," said Tammy Harlan, a Louisiana resident. "I wish more churches would reach out."

Sure honey, that’s right. We have not one single, written word from Jesus Christ himself. He was spending his time and energy writing to wayward pop stars in Jerusalem.

Mary: "Son, I wish you would write to Mark. He hasn't heard about that lovely sermon you gave on the mount. Or was it a plain? Whatever."

Jesus: "Not now, mom. I'm writing to Salwa."

Mary: "Who's Salwa?"

Jesus: "Geez, Mom. She's that famous singer who got busted riding that donkey after drinking too much wine. You know, during that wedding you and I went to. The one in Cana. Don't you know anything?"

Sites I read every day

Every day, there are a few websites that I really enjoy reading for various reasons.

Christian Post is always entertaining for me. It’s extremely conservative and each day they have at least one article where they’re banging on their high-chairs about the "gay agenda." Whenever they mention the issue of gay marriage, they always write the word ‘marriage’ in quotes. Gay “marriage.”

Sure, that’s irritating. But imagine what it must be like for someone who is that hung up on the gay issue. I might encounter that sort of nonsense sporadically, but someone like that has to live in their own head 24/7.
Poor things.

I also like abcnews.com because people can comment on all the articles. I love reading the comments. Something like North and South Korea signing a peace treaty may get a spattering of comments, but Britney losing her children got over four hundred.

I also look at Al-Jazeera to get a different perspective. I think that’s important.

Of course, The Onion is brilliant. One shouldn’t take things too seriously and the Onion keeps me balanced. New issues come out every Wednesday.

I always look at the weather on noaa.gov and see what the weather is doing back in Texas. The geek in me loves weather-related things.

No Impact Man is fascinating. That’s the guy in New York City who is living for one year with no environmental impact. No electricity, no public transportation, only locally grown food, producing no garbage. Fascinating.

Then, there are my favorite bloggers. Lorraine, Eric, Iwanski, JP, and City Mouse. I have to read them every day. I get disappointed when they don’t update enough for my entertainment.

So, those are the sites I look at each day. I don’t think homeland security is going to come after me over these.

But perhaps I shouldn’t look at Iwanski so much.

Lazy

I SO didn't want to do laundry last night, so I just bought new underpants on my way home from work instead. (I guess that's not an issue with Britney Spears)

What's your most despised household chore?

Out of Synch

Lip-synching.

Absolutely THE most insulting thing a singer can do to an audience. Period.

I'm amazed at how often it's done these days by pop artists in live performances. (Actually, it's NOT a "live" performance if the audience is subjected to a recording.) Britney Spears' recent disaster immediately comes to mind and she didn't even manage to lip-synch well.

I can certainly understand how challenging it must be to sing and dance at the same time. Or it Britney's case, to sing in your underpants. But lots of Broadway actors can do a decent job of singing+dancing every night, including additional matinees on weekends. Sometimes, even in their underpants.

Janis Joplin could certainly do it. But then again, she was fueled by gallons of Southern Comfort with heroin chasers. It helps.

I majored in music in college (piano major, voice minor). I've sung in front of lots of audiences. The one time I had to sing and dance at the same time was when I was a singing-and-dancing scarecrow in a production of The Wizard of Oz. (That number wasn't included in the film and it's really cute). It's tough to do and all I had to do was to prance around in circles and help catch the scarecrow at one point.

But I've never lip-synched anything. Sure, I've had some really embarrasing moments while performing. You bet, I've made some whopper mistakes. (Knocking over a piano bench before sitting down, dropping a microphone, moving my hand back and forth in front of my crotch while singing a solo without knowing it.)
But at least it was "live."

I would much rather see a Britney or Madonna performance where they sang and danced separately. Sing a number. Sing it LIVE. Then dance for a while. But if you're selling hit numbers, let us hear you sing your hits, especially if we've paid lots of bucks to hear you do it. If you make a mistake, big deal. At least it's honest.

And for god's sake, put on some clothes.

Celtic, Schmeltic

I was in a nice bookstore the other day because some nice friends (The Iwanskis) had given me a gift card for this place. I won't say the name the bookstore because that would be indiscreet.

It was Border's.

Okay, well anyway, I always take a peek in the "Spirituality" section just to keep up-to-date on the current spiritual fad-du-jour.

All I have to say is, "What's up with all this Celtic shit???"

Oh my god! Everything was Celtic-this and Celtic-that. Apparently, somebody figured out that if you put the word Celtic on anything, someone will snatch it right up.

There were books and CD's with vomit-inducing names like Celtic Reflections and Under the Celtic Moon and Celtic Zephyrs.

I'll bet that the customers who buy these things are the same ones who say to their dates, "Like, I'm not religious, but I'm, like, spiritual."

("Umm, NO. You're just hung way too over to get your sorry butt to church on Sunday morning. And for god's sake, stop using the word "like" as a discourse marker!")

When did this Celtic craze begin? Who started this?

Did Enya have anything to do with it?

I wonder what other kind of Celtic crap people would fall for?

I'll bet "Carb-free Celtic scones" would be a huge hit at Starbucks. What about "Celtic Colonics?" They'd be beating down the door to that place. OOooo! I could start a new religion that would combine Celtic spirituality with Kabbalism. Britney Spears and Madonna would salivate and give me lots of money.

If I put "Celtic Spirituality" on my blog label, will my reader count skyrocket?

What the hell. I'm going to be a total blog-whore and use all these labels. This'll be fun.

Britney Spears Panties Donation Rejected by Christie's

The following is an article I wrote for pugbus.net. Click here to see it. Thanks go to Iwanski for mentioning that Britney Spears' underpants probably reek of Marlboros.

LOS ANGELES - In an attempt to emulate Diana, Princess of Wales, Britney Spears contacted Christie's, London's world famous auction house, in hopes of donating her clothing to raise money for charitable causes and to underline further her split from Kevin Federline.

Unlike the late princess, who donated seventy-nine formal gowns to Christie's to put paid to her relationship with Prince Charles, Spears proposed to auction her used panties.

"I was quite stunned by Ms. Spear's gesture," reported Christie's consignment specialist, Adrienne Hines, who heads the Los Angeles division of the auction house. "While we were ever so grateful to receive Princess Di's formal gowns, we were taken aback with Ms. Spears' request that we auction off her undergarments."

Hines pointed to several boxes, most of them from liquor stores, stuffed with various styles of panties and thongs. "

Apparently, leopard must have been her favorite color," she sniffed.

Spears wanted the auction proceeds to be donated to charities in a campaign called "Panties for Humanity," Hines explained.

"For example, she knew that the gown Princess Di wore while dancing with John Travolta had garnered $225,000; so Britney thought these little babies might fetch a high price," said Hines as she held up a simple pair of day-of-the-week white cotton panties monogrammed "Tuesday."

"She claims to have worn these while filming the video to 'Baby One More Time.' Frankly, I'd hate to think of who would want these.

"It was soon after Ms. Spears had pitched her proposal that she was seen partying with Paris Hilton and wearing no panties. Apparently, she'd donated all of them to us and decided against replacing them."

Hines said that the upscale auction house had no intention of fulfilling Spears' request.

"Used thongs are simply not what we're about at Christie's. Besides, I don't think the stench of Marlboros ever could have been removed."

In related news, Hines reported that Paris Hilton later showed up in her office with boxes of panties to be auctioned, but "it became apparent that none had ever been worn."