My Life as a Substitute Teacher

While home on Christmas break during my sophomore year in college, I had the bright idea of earning some extra money as a substitute teacher in the local public school. Back then, all one needed to qualify as a substitute teacher was to have completed 60 hours of college.

Since I had attended college full-time during the previous summer, I had just completed the requisite 60 hours by the time Christmas rolled around during my sophomore year. I thought it would be really cool to be a substitute teacher while I was on break.

I was 19 years old. I’d be teaching kids I was in high school with! This was gonna be so much fun.

The day after I applied, the phone rang at 5:00 am. I was needed to substitute. I was hoping that perhaps the band or choir director might be sick, or perhaps even the English teacher. I’d be great at that.

No such luck. As the evil fates would have it, it was the junior varsity football coach!

Luckily, it wasn’t football season so the only classes involved were boys Phys Ed. and the health classes. Good Lord.

P.E. class was first. I still had horrible memories of Phys Ed: Being chosen last when teams were selected, psychotic dodge-ball games, standing in right field praying that some lefty wouldn’t hit a fly ball in my direction. How the hell was I going to substitute for the P.E. teacher for crying out loud?

I managed to relinquish a dozen basketballs from a storage locker, scattered them across the court and instructed the boys to play with them. Just for the sake of irony, I actually blew on the whistle around my neck once or twice.

For the next forty-five minutes, I sat in the bleachers hoping no one actually required anything of me which is pretty much how I spent my P.E. classes as a student. The boys seemed to know when it was time to quit and meandered off the court while went to the teacher's lounge for a cigarette.

In the health class, I think they were reading a chapter on shaving or something like that. I managed to keep them quiet, no riots ensued and no one required emergency services so I guess I did pretty well.

My services as a substitute teacher were never required again.