If I Were King

Recently, I decided to look into being a Big Brother. I figured that since I don't have any kids to whom I can pass on my wealth of life experiences, I should find another way to inflict my views upon our youth. (Just like most parents do). Besides, it would be cool to have someone to ride roller coasters with.

It was kind of comforting to encounter the extensive application requirements with all its background checks, letters of recommendation, interviews, etc. After all, there are enough wierdos out there preying on our youth (Cough! Michael Jackson! Cough!) so any opportunity we have to protect them from harm is a good thing.

It got me to thinking, though. Why aren't these measures applied to prospective parents? Wouldn't it be a good thing if anyone wanting to have children had to pass the same scrutiny as they do to become a Big Brother or Big Sister?

I don't think even that much scrutiny would be sufficient. I've seen so much evidence of dysfunctional family systems in my line of work. With most of my clients, I just want to say, "What did your parents do to you??"

So, here is my proposal for society. If I were King of the U.S., here's how it would be:

1. All children born would have a chip implanted that would render them sterile. In order to become fertile, a lengthy application process would ensue and certain conditions would have to be met. Such as:

2. No children in foster care. Until all foster children are given good homes, no one can reproduce. Willy nilly breeding needs to stop for a while.

3. The couple must have sufficient income to have children. No income? No kids.

4. Anyone guilty of repeated child abuse would render that person ineligible.

5. Any deadbeat dads would be castrated. Don't have the balls to support your child? Off they go.

6. Anyone owning a Hummer would be ineligible. You've already made your ecological imprint.

7. Anyone receiving subsidized housing or food stamps. If you're unable or unwilling to house and feed yourself, then you've no business being responsible for little ones.

8. The Bush twins are ineligible. Same goes for Britney Spears.

Just think what a wonderful world we'd have in a couple of generations?

I still find it amazing that there's more scrutiny involved in obtaining a fishing license than there is to have children in this country. There's something pretty messed up about that.