Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Billy Mays

Needless to say, I was pretty shocked to hear of Billy Mays' passing recently. Yes, those commercials were extremely irritating – so much so, that I had to write the following satire piece a few years ago.

I know it’s really bad taste to make fun of someone who recently passed, but please keep in mind that the shrill, irritating voice we hear on the Oxy-Clean and KaBoom commercials is not his normal speaking voice. I don’t know why those producers had him speak that way, because it really does make me hit the fast-forward button every time those commercials come on.

BTW – KaBoom is fantastic stuff and I’m never without it in my apartment. It smells really good too.

So, since that’s not his normal speaking voice, please know I’m poking fun of the commercials and not the man. I commend the man for marketing products that keep our messy lives so clean and tidy.

Christian Peace Activists Rescued by Billy Mays
By Buckner Wheat
Mar 25, 2006

BAGHDAD – The dramatic rescue of three Christian peace activists by U.S. and British forces on Thursday was made possible by the deployment of psychological weaponry that promises to end the rash of kidnappings impeding the spread of democracy in Iraq.

The activists—James Loney and Harmeet Singh Sooden of Canada and Norman Kember of England—were kidnapped on November 26, 2005, while driving to meet with Sunni Arab leaders. The men were held hostage at a compound on the outskirts of Baghdad.

"We were at the end of our rope," reported Maj. Gen. Rick Lynch. "We really did fear that each one would be killed eventually—until we discovered a new secret weapon. ”

Maj. Gen. Lynch smiled and opened a sound file on a nearby laptop. "Hi! Billy Mays here for Oxy-Clean!" screamed a grating, high-pitched voice.

"Every time one of that guy's commercials comes on, my immediate response is to hit the fast-forward on my TIVO as quickly as I can," said Maj. Gen. Lynch.

"Whether he's selling OxiClean, OrangeGlo, or Kaboom, his voice literally makes me want to thrust a serrated knife through my eye socket to end the torture. That's how I got the idea to utilize his commercials as an effective weapon."

Maj. Gen. Lynch explained how the new weapon was used to thwart an attack by sixty gunmen on a police station near Baghdad two weeks ago.

"After a three-hour gun battle, we saw that we weren't making any progress. So we tried broadcasting the Oxy-Clean commercial at mega-watt volume from our command center."

Immediately, all sixty insurgents began running around in circles, bewildered and terrorized, pleading for the painful tirade to cease. "We ended up catching fifty of 'em in the crossfire," said Maj. Gen. Lynch. "It was pretty cool."

Apparently, continued exposure to Mays' shrill, piercing voice results in nausea, vomiting, acute diarrhea, convulsions, and death among certain non-native speakers of English.

According to British foreign secretary, Jack Straw, Thursday’s military rescue followed "weeks and weeks of very careful work by military and coalition personnel in Iraq, and many civilians as well."

"We had been working on this rescue for four months to no avail," added Maj. Gen. Lynch. "But after five minutes of blaring Billy Mays' voice into the compound, we could hear blood-curdling screams of 'Shi-Kabbalah, Shi-Kabbalah' coming from inside."

Fortunately, Sergeant Dan Henderson, a member of the rescue team, is fluent in colloquial Arabic.

"Basically, 'Shi-Kabbalah' is a local slang term for diarrhea," said Sergeant Henderson. "It's tough to translate, but, roughly, it means 'shish kebabs-on-tap.' Once I heard that, it was pretty clear that the kidnappers would be occupied for a while, and I told Maj. Gen. Lynch we should make our move."

"As expected, the captives were found unguarded, their kidnappers having vanished," reported Maj. Gen. Lynch.

"Billy Mays’ voice could be the key to turning this war on terrorism completely around. Its applications are boundless. This is the kind of good news from Iraq the press ought to be reporting."



At 12:08 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't believe a national magazine hasn't snatched you up yet.

At 8:47 PM , Blogger Miss Healthypants said...

I thought of you right away when I heard that Billy Mays had died! Seriously, I was so close to calling you when I heard the news. :)

At 6:03 PM , Blogger Kendall said...

hilarious! Sad he died, but I always hit my Tivo when he was/is on also.

At 10:09 AM , Anonymous Bro said...

I wonder if his last words were "but wait!"


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