Billy Mays

Needless to say, I was pretty shocked to hear of Billy Mays' passing recently. Yes, those commercials were extremely irritating – so much so, that I had to write the following satire piece a few years ago.

I know it’s really bad taste to make fun of someone who recently passed, but please keep in mind that the shrill, irritating voice we hear on the Oxy-Clean and KaBoom commercials is not his normal speaking voice. I don’t know why those producers had him speak that way, because it really does make me hit the fast-forward button every time those commercials come on.

BTW – KaBoom is fantastic stuff and I’m never without it in my apartment. It smells really good too.

So, since that’s not his normal speaking voice, please know I’m poking fun of the commercials and not the man. I commend the man for marketing products that keep our messy lives so clean and tidy.

Christian Peace Activists Rescued by Billy Mays
By Buckner Wheat
Mar 25, 2006

BAGHDAD – The dramatic rescue of three Christian peace activists by U.S. and British forces on Thursday was made possible by the deployment of psychological weaponry that promises to end the rash of kidnappings impeding the spread of democracy in Iraq.

The activists—James Loney and Harmeet Singh Sooden of Canada and Norman Kember of England—were kidnapped on November 26, 2005, while driving to meet with Sunni Arab leaders. The men were held hostage at a compound on the outskirts of Baghdad.

"We were at the end of our rope," reported Maj. Gen. Rick Lynch. "We really did fear that each one would be killed eventually—until we discovered a new secret weapon. ”

Maj. Gen. Lynch smiled and opened a sound file on a nearby laptop. "Hi! Billy Mays here for Oxy-Clean!" screamed a grating, high-pitched voice.

"Every time one of that guy's commercials comes on, my immediate response is to hit the fast-forward on my TIVO as quickly as I can," said Maj. Gen. Lynch.

"Whether he's selling OxiClean, OrangeGlo, or Kaboom, his voice literally makes me want to thrust a serrated knife through my eye socket to end the torture. That's how I got the idea to utilize his commercials as an effective weapon."

Maj. Gen. Lynch explained how the new weapon was used to thwart an attack by sixty gunmen on a police station near Baghdad two weeks ago.

"After a three-hour gun battle, we saw that we weren't making any progress. So we tried broadcasting the Oxy-Clean commercial at mega-watt volume from our command center."

Immediately, all sixty insurgents began running around in circles, bewildered and terrorized, pleading for the painful tirade to cease. "We ended up catching fifty of 'em in the crossfire," said Maj. Gen. Lynch. "It was pretty cool."

Apparently, continued exposure to Mays' shrill, piercing voice results in nausea, vomiting, acute diarrhea, convulsions, and death among certain non-native speakers of English.

According to British foreign secretary, Jack Straw, Thursday’s military rescue followed "weeks and weeks of very careful work by military and coalition personnel in Iraq, and many civilians as well."

"We had been working on this rescue for four months to no avail," added Maj. Gen. Lynch. "But after five minutes of blaring Billy Mays' voice into the compound, we could hear blood-curdling screams of 'Shi-Kabbalah, Shi-Kabbalah' coming from inside."

Fortunately, Sergeant Dan Henderson, a member of the rescue team, is fluent in colloquial Arabic.

"Basically, 'Shi-Kabbalah' is a local slang term for diarrhea," said Sergeant Henderson. "It's tough to translate, but, roughly, it means 'shish kebabs-on-tap.' Once I heard that, it was pretty clear that the kidnappers would be occupied for a while, and I told Maj. Gen. Lynch we should make our move."

"As expected, the captives were found unguarded, their kidnappers having vanished," reported Maj. Gen. Lynch.

"Billy Mays’ voice could be the key to turning this war on terrorism completely around. Its applications are boundless. This is the kind of good news from Iraq the press ought to be reporting."

Billy Mays is Evil

Billy Mays is the Devil.

You know who I’m talking about; that guy on TV with the high shrill voice that peddles Ka-boom, Oxy-Clean and the like.

First of all, that VOICE makes me want to thrust a corkscrew in my eye. Awhile back, I wrote a satire article about him that was published. You can read it here.

His most recent item is a knife sharpener called the Samurai Shark that features tungsten-carbide blades and will sharpen any knife.

I thought, “Hey! I could use that!”

But wait!!!! If you order now, you get a second one FREE!

“But I only need one,” thought I.

But wait!!!! If you order now, you also get some poultry shears.

I thought, “OOooo! I need some poultry shears!” (I’d recently almost de-fingered myself trying to butterfly a chicken with a dull knife).

You also get a pair of super-scissors with the deal. All for the low price of only ten dollars!

Two Samurai Sharks, poultry shears and super-scissors for ten bucks. I almost called the toll-free number.

Then, I went on a site called As Seen on TV Reviews where one can read customer reviews of all these products.

So, here’s the catch:

There’s a $7.95 shipping-and-processing fee for EACH ITEM. Every one of those four items actually jacks up the price eight bucks. Every reviewer was complaining about being socked with an extra thirty-two bucks.

There’s also no way to call the Samurai Shark people to talk to an actual person. I tried to call them and ask for ONLY one sharpener, just to mess with them, but there’s no way to get through to an actual, live person.

Isn’t that just the smarmiest thing you’ve ever heard of?

A friend of mine’s mother buys ALL that stuff and gives him the “free” one. Egg peelers, tongs-that-double-for-whisks, pots that have colander lids; you name it, she buys it. He's given some of that stuff to me but it's all amazingly worthless.

(Ka-Boom is great, by the way. I love the stuff, but I can get it at the Bed, Bath and Beyond just down the street)

I know everyone has strong feelings toward some of the presidential candidates right about now. Clinton, Huckabee, Obama, whatever.

But for me, that Billy Mays guy is absolute evil incarnate.