Thursday, January 05, 2006

Puree of Octopus and Mussels

Seafood is one of my favorite food groups. I'll eat just about anything that crawls or swims around in the ocean. So I was particularly interested in these two-pound bags labeled "seafood combo" that were recently on sale in the frozen food section of my friendly neighborhood market. At $2.59 each, these were a real bargain too. Each bag contained a melange of squid, octopus and mussels. The really cheap stuff that most people don't eat a lot. That should have been my first clue.
I decided to make a red Thai curry containing my seafood combo. I sauteed onions, celery, peppers, lemon grass and lime leaves, added a glop of red curry paste, a few squirts of 'nuoc mam' (which is actually fermented anchovy extract - - - anchovies are covered in crocks, covered with salt and allowed to ferment for 18 months. The liquid is then extracted and bottled - - I can see you all rubbing your bellies going "mmm-mmm!"). Then a pound of my octupus-squid-mussel combo was added along with a can of coconut milk. . . .
. . . and for the next two days I really couldn't venture far from the bathroom.
That was my second clue.
Next, I decided to make "mock fried oysters" which was my own creation, thank you very much. It involved puree-ing the octopus, squid, and mussels in the food processor along with flour and spices. While I stood there and watched this dark grey matter whirling around in the Cuisinart, it hit me: "I'm actually puree-ing octopus!" It reminded me of an early Saturday Night Live episode where Dan Akroyd pureed a bass in a blender and drank it. I then dropped these little fritters in hot oil until golden brown. . . .
. . . They were awful! Not only did they smell and taste like Puss-n-Boots cat food, but they had a really wierd consistency, similar to that of a Nerf ball. What's worse is that it took me forever to get the smell out of my apartment.
They ended up going down the trash chute. I'm surprised that they didn't bounce back up forty-nine floors upon hitting the bottom.
I could probably write a best-selling diet book called the "Pureed Octopus and Mussel Diet." I could guarantee lots of weight loss too. And I'm sure lots of Paris Hilton wannabes would buy it.


At 12:13 PM , Blogger Iwanski said...

I'm gonna go ahead and stick with Doritos and McNuggets.


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