Becoming a Jehovah's Witness Described as "The Greatest Career Move Ever."

Schaumburg IL Having grown increasingly tired of the endless, mind-numbing office parties, senior analyst Jim Anderson recently joined Jehovah's Witnesses for the sole purposed of being excused from all future office celebrations.

"It just got to the point of being ridiculous. It seemed like every time I turned around, someone was having a birthday, an anniversary or was leaving the company. I was being pot-lucked to death."

Anderson recalls the day of his conversion:

"We were having a department meeting and the office manager bawled us all out for leaving the Holiday dinner early, not cleaning up and saying that we were all a family. That really pissed me off, too. Then I remembered a previous co-worker who was a Jehovah's Witness and she got out of everything! I mean, she didn't even have to eat the office cookies! Right then, I thought, 'I'm joining up!' It's been the greatest career move I've ever made."

"We've always had to take turns being in charge of each birthday celebration. You know, order the cake, pick it up, make sure we have enough plastic forks, etc. But hey, ever since I joined the Witnesses, I'm outta the loop! Man, this rocks!"

"About once a month our executive vice-president would want us all to meet for drinks after work. Once I didn't go and on my next review I got a 'needs improvement' with regard to teamwork. Man, that sucked! But now, I just leave a couple of Watchtower pamphlets around my cubicle and I'm free to get trashed after work with my own friends rather than these losers. It's great."

"Not that I buy into any of the J.W's beliefs, like only 144,000 people are going to make it to heaven. I mean, where do they off being so high-and-mighty? I'm not really religious anyway, so it doesn't bother me if they don't believe in the trinity and all that stuff. As long as I don't have to participate in another god-awful 'Secret Santa' drawing, I'm happy as hell being a Witness."

"Just the other day, one of the new employees walked by my cubicle and said, 'Hey, Jim, we're about to have cake and ice-cream,' and I heard somone else whisper 'sshhhh!!! Don't say that. He's a Jehovah's Witness!' After they walked by I just pumped my fist. Man, this is so cool!"

I don't know why I didn't think of this earlier. I'm able to get so much more work done now and I'm saving a fortune not having to bring something to a pot-luck every other week. Now, if I can find a religion that prohibits work on Monday mornings, I'd be one happy camper. . . "