The Solution

I’ll readily admit that I don’t watch a lot of sports, especially the competitive ones. Frankly, I fail to see the intrinsic value of winning a game. So, you got the ball across the goal line more than the other team.

And?

That contributed to the betterment of society. . . . How?

It was a good thing to do . . . . because?

I have seen portions of a few games, though. So, from someone who really has no vested interest in competitive sports, here are some solutions to these games that I think could be worthwhile.

Soccer: The field is much too big. It’s bigger than a football field. There just seems to be a lot of running around with few goals being made. Final scores are usually something like this:

Paraguay: 2
Uruguay: 1

Goals occur about as frequenly as a solar eclipse. When they do happen to take place, the entire nation of Brazil breaks out into riots for a month. And they weren't even playing.

Basketball: The court is way too small. These guys are seven feet tall and it takes them, maybe, three running lopes to go from one end to the other. Scores are way too high and are usually something like this:

San Antonio Stirrups: 104
Dallas Cowbucks: 102

Why not switch playing surfaces between soccer and basketball? Then, these giant basketball guys would really have to work at getting the ball in the hoop. And while we’re at it, raise the hoop to 20, maybe 25 feet high. No more of these giant guys hanging and swinging from the hoop like a psychotic chimpanzee. (We’d also have to see less of their hyper-masculine posturing after making a goal.) And while we’re at it, get rid of those baggy, floppy shorts and return to the tight short-shorts they used to wear. We’re here to be entertained, after all.

Hockey: The puck flies about at the speed of light. It’s also so little -- I can’t follow it at all. All of a sudden, the crowd cheers and there’s the elusive puck in the net-thing behind the goalie. Solution: Have you ever seen the Canadian sport of curling? Those “rocks” are like 40-pound pucks. Have the hockey players use those instead. After maneuvering one of those around with a hockey stick, they might be less inclined to knock each others teeth out. More of us would be able to follow the game, too.

Baseball: The pitcher throws the ball at something like 98 miles an hour. The batter hits it across Lake Michigan, or worse, line-drives another player, rendering him unconscious for the rest of the season. Solution: Have them use teddy bears instead of baseballs. It's the perfect solution. Bunting a teddy bear would also give the game enormous comedic potential. Children could then sleep with a teddy bear signed by Derek Jeter.

Football: It’s much too violent. You have 250-lb guys smashing into each other as hard as they can. In any other situation, such activity would be a felony. In basketball, if you even slap another guy’s wrist, the referee calls ‘interference’ and lets the other team throw the ball in the basket unhindered. Solution: Apply the same rules to football. If you bump into another guy, the other team gets to kick the ball through the goal while the opposing team has to sit quietly at the other end of the field.

While we’re at it, have them use a teddy bear instead of a football. Short shorts wouldn’t be a bad idea either. A lot more women would be right by their husbands on the couch every Monday night.

After all, we’re here to be entertained.