Adam & Steve

Christian World Rocked by Archaeological Discovery


TEL AVIV – Conservative Christian groups around the world have been thrown into a state of disarray after texts from the newly-discovered “Apocrypha of Genesis” were released to the religious press today.

Rabbi Emmanuel Weinberg of the Biblical Archaeological Museum in Tel Aviv explained that the texts comprising 107 papyrus scrolls were accidentally located in an ancient sewage drain near the Sea of Galilee.

“This discovery probably constitutes the most significant archaeological find in all of recorded history," reported Dr. Weinberg.

The texts were reportedly stumbled across by a wayward member of a Holy Land tour group led by the Christian evangelist, Kirk Cameron.

Weinberg explained that the texts are a first-person account of the Genesis story, apparently authored by Enoch, the son of Cain and grandson of Adam.

“Radiocarbon dating of the texts confirms that they were written around 700 BCE which completely coincides with the date in which the Genesis texts were written,” said Weinberg. “It is truly a miraculous find, especially since the age of these texts confirms their authenticity.”

According to Enoch, the first person God created was not his grandfather, Adam, but was actually a lesser-known figure listed as “Stephan” סטפן. For some reason that is unclear, Stephan would have nothing to do with Eve once she was created as his companion. The texts read:

“And God saw that Stephan was lonely, and thus, created a woman with whom he could populate God’s good earth. But Stephan reviled the woman and longed to tend the garden and make it beautiful.”

Weinberg explained: “The word in the Hebrew text that was use to indicate 'beautiful' נפלא
is really difficult to translate. Since it indicates something with a bit of panache, the best English translation would be to use the word 'fabulous.'"

Enoch’s text continues the account which describes how Yahweh then created Adam for Eve and subsequently left Stephan to watch over the Garden of Eden.

“However, we find Adam continually preferring the company of Stephan ‘the Gardener’ which is often a source of great frustration to Eve,” explained Weinberg. “It is then that Eve confides in the serpent which is obviously a metaphor for the absence of Adam’s . . . um. . . affection.”

“What is most interesting is that as Adam and Stephan develop a close friendship, Adam soon begins using a shortened name for his friend, sort of a term of endearment. This name is written as סטיב which literally translates as ‘Steve.’”

Weinberg continues: “I hate to admit it, but I think many fundamentalist Christians owe a big apology to members of the gay community for their repeated slogans that “God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.'"

“Our earliest and most authentic written records definitely indicate something quite different altogether.”

Reaction from conservative Christian organizations was immediate.

Dr. James Dobson of the right-wing evangelical organization, Focus on the Family, reported that the new Biblical revelations will be financially devastating to their organization:

“We have dozens of warehouses stocked full of bumper-stickers, buttons, and protest materials that read ‘God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.’ Ninety-five percent of our revenue was allocated toward the production of these materials, all of which has been rendered worthless by this revelation.”

Pat Robertson, founder of The 700 Club and the Christian Coalition was equally dismayed: “The Adam-and-Steve phrase has been the cornerstone of my ministry for decades and our primary justification against same-sex marriage! My followers are fervently praying to God the Almighty for another phrase to replace it as we speak.”

Dr. Daniel Henderson, a prominent sociologist with the University of Illinois in Chicago offered his insight.

“These rhyming slogans are typically utilized by segments of the population with impaired cognitive abilities and who are often unable to verbalize rational arguments by any other means. Frankly, I feel a little sorry for them now. It’s as if their entire identity has been removed in one fell swoop.”

Meanwhile, emergency room staff across the nation have reported a sudden increase in hand and wrist injuries resulting from thousands of gay men excessively high-fiving each other.