Sorry, Kurt

I just ordered a new home computer. In a few days, I’ll have that wonderful new plastic smell in my apartment and lots of bubble-wrap to play with.

It was really time to order a new one. My old one was soooo old. Cro-Magnons had designed the operating system for it. Only one USB port worked on it. The CD tray wouldn’t open anymore. It was getting glitchy and awfully constipated.

It had served me well over the years, but it was time to move on to newer and better things.

Still, I was rather firm with the nice customer service guy named Kurt from Dell who wanted to sell all sorts of additional bells and whistles to me.

I don’t need Microsoft Office because I never use it at home. Besides, if I do need it, it’ll be work-related and I can download the copy I have for my laptop at work.

So there!
Sorry, Kurt.

I don’t need a monitor because I just got a big, flat-screen monitor from eBay for seventy bucks. I had outbid the other bidder for it within the last fifteen seconds.

God! I love it when that happens. (Pump fist).

Sorry, Kurt.

I charged it to my credit card and paid the balance from my checking account within the hour. No one’s going to get interest from me, nor am I going to buy a super-duper computer system that will take a lifetime to pay off.

Sorry, Kurt.

Oh, and the tax rebate check we’re supposed to get in June? That’s going into a savings account. There’s no way I’m going to use it to support Bush’s desire for rampant consumerism.

Sorry, Dubya.

And besides, my generation can probably kiss any expectation of Social Security goodbye. Any security I might have in my old age will be that which I muster myself.

Okay, enough banging on my high chair. . . .

Oh, and another reason I need this new computer is so that I can produce some really cool music, market it on iTunes, then lots of you will buy it and I’ll become rich and famous.

Like Yanni or Enya.

Then, I can buy Lorraine a summer condo right below me and we can connect our condos with a spiral staircase. That's the plan, you know.

I’ve always wanted a spiral staircase ever since I was a kid saw the opening credits to The Doris Day Show.

Click here to see it.

Isn't that the campiest thing you've ever seen?

Once I saw that, I was completely obsessed with spiral staircases.
I was a pretty weird kid.

I wonder how Lorraine will look in that yellow pants suit. . . .