Monday, August 14, 2006

Tom Cruise Admits to Addiction Treatment. Suri Safe with In-Laws

A published version of my article can be found at

After weeks of speculation surrounding the evidence of Suri, the daughter of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, many details have recently surfaced that shed light on the Tomkitten mystery.

“Suri does, indeed, exist,” reports Dinah Weinberg, spokesperson for Katie Holmes. “She is alive and well, surrounded by loved ones from both sides of her family.”

“That’s not to say that all is well within the Cruise-Holmes household,” Weinburg states. “Tom has bravely checked himself into a residential treatment center to deal with a long-time addiction with which he has been struggling.”

“It all began with a routine physical exam after Mr. Cruise turned forty,” reports family physician, Dr. Dan Henderson. “The very next week, he returned for yet another digital prostate exam. Initially, I suspected that he might have a phobia of prostate cancer and was being overly cautious. However, after he kept returning, I realized that Mr. Cruise was obsessed with the exam itself.”

Dr. Henderson recalls seeing Cruise on a late-night talk show. “When I saw Tom do that fake laugh where he shuts his eyes and opens his mouth, I realized that it was the same face he exhibits during the digital exam. Frankly, it gave me the creeps and I cut him off after that.”

“It turns out that Tom began ‘doctor shopping’ after his primary doctor cut him off,” said Weinberg. “It was discovered that he’d been seeing literally hundreds of physicians across the U.S. and Europe in order to satisfy his addiction.”

She grimaced and continued, “He particularly favored the French physicians because of their proclivity for taking temperatures ‘the old-fashioned way’.

"After Katie discovered him performing a self-exam in the shower, she really questioned what kind of a father and role model he’d be for Suri. That was when Tom, literally, ‘hit bottom.’ Until he gets this addiction under control, we’ve thought it best to keep Suri out of the media.”

Cruise is reportedly undergoing addiction treatment at Stone Hawk Scientology Treatment Center near Detroit. His treatment counselor, Dr. Robert Hubert, provided the following explanation of Cruise’s diagnosis and mode of treatment:

“Mr. Cruise suffers from Podexis Inritophilia, or rather, an addiction to anal stimulation. While it is a rare condition and the cause is unknown, it does seem to manifest itself in diminutive, hyper-masculine subjects such as Mr. Cruise. But frankly, I’ve never seen anyone exhibit a case of Podexis-I more evidently than Mr. Cruise.”

Meanwhile, Katie Holmes has been attending Al-A-nal meetings to assist her in coping with Cruise’s addiction.

Hubert further explains the treatment process. “Scientology promotes detoxification as the primary mode of addiction treatment. Although colonic irrigation therapy is often applied, we’re foregoing that since we don’t want to risk cross-addiction in Tom’s case. Frankly, he faces a long, tough road of recovery before him.”

Regarding the prognosis for recovery, Hubert responds, “Mr. Cruise will likely struggle with disease for the remainder of his life. I wish him the very best.”


At 6:27 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Have a Funny Life!

At 12:48 PM , Blogger Lorraine said...

That picture of Tom is so perfect for this!

At 11:10 PM , Anonymous The Hag :) said...

I agree, the picture is perfect for this story! *grin*


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