Moonlit Walks on the Beach

I don't like the beach.

Never have. Never will.

I grew up near the Texas gulf coast, so as a kid, we went to the beach a lot. My mom and grandfather were avid anglers so while they were ensnarling tasty things for the dinner table, my grandmother would take us kids into the surf.

The worst part was the drive home.

There we'd be; my brother and cousins all crammed in the back seat in our swim suits facing an hour's tortuous drive on a hot day, all sandy, sticky, sweaty, salty, and rubbing against each other. My grandfather would be teasing us, "If you kids don't get quiet back there, I'm going to pull over at the next mailbox and just mail you home!" Of course, he'd yank the car over when a mailbox would appear, causing us to shriek with laughter. Meanwhile, I'd just be counting the moments to when we'd get back to a regular swimming pool with chlorinated, ph-balanced water like God had intended.

Picnics on the beach are no fun either. No matter how careful you are, your food always ends up with sand in it. One time my grandmother had just fixed her plate of food and a very healthy seagull peeled off and did a dive bomb, ker-splat! Her nice lunch was completely festooned with the seagull's previous repast.

Swimming in the surf is no fun either. One must realize that the moment you enter the surf, you become . . .well . . . food! I'm really not particularly fond of my body becoming an all-u-can-eat buffet for marine life. They have pointy claws, fins, teeth and tentacles. Also, the Texas gulf coast is particularly noted for its plethora of jelly-fish and Portuguese man 'o wars, both of which will sting the heck out of you just for the fun of it.

My biggest pet peeve with the beach are these personal ads that say, "loves long walks on a moonlit beach." My gosh! What a cliche! Has anyone actually ever done that?? It's similar to someone slipping on a banana peel or telling a cab driver to 'follow that cab!' -- often portrayed but I doubt that it's ever really happened.

If I did actually seen anyone walking hand-in-hand on a moonlit beach, I'd just die laughing. And hope that a seagull would festoon them with its lunch.