Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The Church Lady

When I first saw Dana Carvey perform The Church Lady skit on Saturday Night Live, I instantly identified with this character.

I grew up with The Church Lady. The REAL Church Lady.

Mrs. B was a steadfast member of the local Baptist church in my little bitty home town in Texas. (I’m sure that as my mom and brother are reading this, they are having quite a laugh over memories of Mrs. B and the association with The Church Lady.)

Here is her photograph that I scanned from my high school yearbook. Besides being a very active member of the church, Mrs. B was also the librarian at the high school.

As steadfast Baptists, we were there every time the doors were open: On Sundays, there was Sunday school followed by church, then “training union” in the late afternoon followed by evening worship. Wednesdays consisted of an evening “prayer meeting” or, if it was the first Wednesday of the month, a church supper followed by a business meeting.

Needless to say, there were lots of opportunities to see Mrs. B in action. Like The Church Lady, she came across with somewhat of a judgmental, holier-than-thou demeanor.

Although she was president of the local chapter of the Women’s Missionary Union (WMU), I cannot recall anything they ever did or anyone else really belonging to this organization.

But once a month, at every business meeting, Mrs. B would saunter up to the front of the church, smile, and proudly give her report on the WMU. The thing is, she had a really nasal voice and with that strong Texan accent, it would come out thus: “I have this month’s report on the activities of the dubya em-meeewww.”

My brother and I would always wait for that and burst into uncontrollable snickers upon hearing “dubya em-meeewww,” followed by the usual glare-and-finger-snap from mom (who was probably doing her best not to laugh as well.)

The best performances from Mrs. B came on Wednesday night prayer meetings when any member of the church could stand and announce a special request for prayers – an activity tailor-made for a Church Lady.

She gave a command performance each and every Wednesday. No matter what, this woman was hell-bent on coming up with an overly-emotional prayer request. It would usually go something like this:

“I would just like the church to offer their special prayers for my niece’s sister-in-law’s brother who is going through . . . (tears would appear) . . . some trials and tribulations . . . (gasping) . . . and . . . . and. . . .”

She’d then crumble into a puddle of emotion. This went on every Wednesday night.

So, yes, I had first-hand influence from the real Church Lady. So much so, that when Dana Carvey’s character became popular, I obtained a Church Lady outfit from a local Salvation Army thrift store (complete with a brooch) and then I became Church Lady every Halloween for several years.

All I had to do was to think of Mrs. B.

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At 4:20 PM , Anonymous Bro said...

OMG! Once again you have caused me to spasam uncontrolabily into fits of hilarity right here in the office. I've got to quit reading these things at work.

I always wondered what back room the real business of the church was really done in and by whom. It certainly was not the monthly Wednesday Business Meetings. Really. Brother Hill would present the proposal. Johnny would second (sometimes the deacons took turns seconding for some reason.) Then..."All in Favor?...upon where everyone in the church would say "eye". Then..."All Opposed?...(churp, churp, churp)..."Motion Passes".

I always wanted SOMEBODY to stand up and a "Opposed! Opposed, I say!" Never happened. Not once. Of course, the motion would have passed anyway, but at least it would have been interesting.

At 4:30 PM , Blogger Br. Jonathan said...

Bro - You've got a great memory, but SO accurate. I had forgotten about that.

I always wondered what would happen if, when one of us were called on to lead the prayer, we said, "No, I'd rather not, thank you."

Can you imagine all the gasps of horror?

At 4:27 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Shame on you, Buck. What could have inspired you to make a mockery of this fine woman. I don't know, could it be... SATAN?

At 5:11 PM , Blogger shannon lara said...

I'll never forget when you were at our house in Dallas at Thanksgiving and me and my brothers and sister (your cousins) all stood around you with our hands behind our backs - and you were sitting at our fancy table with all this mound of food and you said "Well, isn't that special?" and we all pounded you with whipcream! We have it on video and I pee my pants everytime I see it! Great times!! Love ya!!!

At 11:14 AM , Blogger Lorraine said...

Too, too classic.


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