Thursday, September 07, 2006

Paris Hilton Causes Mother Teresa's Sainthood

In honor of Paris Hilton's recent charges of DUI, I couldn't help but re-run one of my articles. Click here for the published version.

HOLLYWOOD—In a move that has shocked Hollywood insiders, Indian film director T. Rajeevnath, says Paris Hilton is on his short list to play Mother Teresa in a biopic he's planning about the Nobel Peace Prize winner who worked among Calcutta's poor with the Missionaries of Charity.

"Hilton's features resemble Mother Teresa's," Rajeevnath – whose films include Janani (Mother), an award-winner in India about nuns caring for an abandoned infant – told Agence France-Presse yesterday. "A meeting with Paris Hilton is scheduled for the end of April," he said.

Mother Teresa­, who died in 1997, has since been beatified by Pope John Paul II and is up for sainthood once two miracles attributed to the nun’s intercession are documented.

Immediately after the director’s intent to have Hilton play the role of Mother Teresa was made known, the blessed nun’s opinions were made all too apparent.

Ms. Hilton woke yesterday and suddenly began screaming uncontrollably, frightening the household staff. Apparently, her beloved Chihuahua, Tinkerbelle, had been horribly disfigured into a cycloptic canine. “It’s just horrible!” said one of the maids. “That poor dog can’t even figure out how to go poo with just one eye.”

The wrath of the blessed nun continued unabated. Later that day, the actress was afflicted with a particularly virulent type of yeast infection. “Man, that girl smells!” reported comedian, Margaret Cho. “It reminds me of when my Korean mother used to ferment cabbage to make kim-chee. Frankly, I can’t stand the stuff.”

Her gynecologist later furnished his professional evaluation: “Ms. Hilton’s hoo-hoo won’t be in commission for at least eighteen months. There’s even a chance that she may never regain the use of it again. It will all depend on the regimen of physical therapy, medication and her own ability to keep it out of circulation during the treatment process.”

Upon attempting to pay for her medical visit, Ms. Hilton was horrified to learn that all her credit cards were invalid. “She just crumbled to the floor and began whimpering,” reported the receptionist, Carla Iwanski. “That one-eyed dog is still around here somewhere, too.”

Upon learning of Mother Teresa’s interventions, Pope Benedict XVI immediately elevated the blessed nun to sainthood. “These actions are clearly the evidence of miraculous works from our beloved Teresa.”


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