Monday, June 05, 2006

The Dog

I have to admit that The Dog has been a joyous part of my life for the past six years. Portia is a very large Chocolate Labrador Retriever and is just about the most appealing dog that has ever walked this earth. Portia loves everyone as evidenced by her smiling face whenever anyone greets her and by the sound of her big tail whacking against anything behind her; metal file cabinets and car doors come to mind.

During the past five years, my canine parenting has involved the following episodes:

1. Once, Portia gobbled up a condom. I called Steve (her Daddy/Veteranarian) in Boston in the middle of the night sort of panicked while performing a makeshift digital speculum on the poor dog's throat. He wasn't worried at all, said it was okay, "Just see that she passes it."

During the next day of smashing dog turds in plastic grocery bags, there it was.

I must admit that successful stool searches have got to be the best thing EVER!

2. She got into the bathroom cabinet downstairs and ate a whole bar of Dove soap and barfed it all up on the basement stairs. It wasn't that bad. Although it was slimy, white dog-vomit covering a flight of stairs, it smelled like Dove soap.

3. Portia has a habit of eating her own droppings. It's what Labradors, Newfoundlands and all Canadian dogs do. (Because their carnivorous diet relies on seafood, Northern canine breeds innately consume feces to supplement their diet) While I was helping a friend jump-start his car in the garage, Portia helped herself to the frozen poo-bucket where I'd been tossing all her droppings for the past two weeks. We went inside and she then threw them all up on the carpet in the den. It was just about the biggest barf that a dog could ever accomplish. It covered several square feet and was even splattered on the walls. Although it was a good thing that I have a background in nursing, I cannot say that many past episodes compared with this. It did NOT smell like Dove soap.

I'm attaching some lovely pics of The Dog. She is truly the most loveable, happy, and appealing dog that has ever graced our planet.
I am truly blessed.


At 7:19 PM , Blogger Lorraine said...

Ah, puppy! Come here, come to Auntie, come on...who's the best girl in the world? Who is? (Stuffs liver nip in Portia's mouth and pats her head). Good girl, that's a good girl. (My dog starts humping her leg). Down boy, down. Sheesh. Dogs.

At 7:02 PM , Blogger Iwanski said...


That has to be the funniest gross story ever.

At 9:33 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree--I laughed my butt off while yelling "ewwww!" continuously. *hee hee*

I loved Portia the moment I met her, too--such a happy dog! *smiles*

Great story!


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