In Honor of His Holiness

In honor of Pope Benedict's visit, I re-edited an article that I wrote a couple of years ago. I know it's edgy, but at least I got to use the three years of Latin I was forced to take.

Pope Benedict XVI Approves Measure to Increase Vocations to the Priesthood

Washington D.C. —Responding to the need for priestly vocations in the U.S., Pope Benedict XVI ordered officials from the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops to sponsor the first annual Running of the Altar Boys in hopes of attracting new members to its all-male clergy.

The Pontiff made the announcement today during his birthday celebration hosted by President Bush and his wife.

“There was mounting pressure from liberal-minded Catholics to allow married men and even women into the priesthood,” decried a spokesman for the U.S. Conference, Fr. Antonio Carrozini. “In order to thwart those proposals, we knew we had to quickly replenish the dwindling numbers of men among our clergy.”

Fr. Carrozini reported that the pontiff thought of the idea after watching the popular "Running of the Bulls" festival in Pamplona, Spain, where bulls chase participants down a narrow village street.

“It began as a means of provoking the bulls to the market where they would be slaughtered,” he said. “The Blessed Father, in all his divine wisdom, decided to adopt it as a means of attracting vocations to the priestly life.”

In the proposed Papal version, seminarians from across the U.S. would have the opportunity to chase hoards of altar boys down the newly named Via Pueris (Way of the Boy), a narrow, kilometer-long street bordering Vatican City. Any seminarian enrolled during the 2007-2008 church year would be eligible to participate in the rough-and-tumble event to be held in December.

The theme for this year’s event will be Effercio Rectorum Nostrae (Fill up our Rectories).

As expected, enrollment in seminaries has dramatically increased tenfold since the pontiff’s announcement.

“The results have been astounding,” said Carrozini. “But procurement of altar-boys willing to participate proved to be more challenging.”

As usual, Vatican officials turned to members of Opus Dei, a lay organization known for their radically conservative agenda and staunch support of the Vatican.

“We were thrilled when the Vatican contacted us to supply altar-boys!” responded Opus Dei president and ex-Senator, Rick Santorum. “This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to support the Holy Father and for our sons to interact with his fine clerics.”

Santorum thought for a moment and sighed, “I only wish I’d had this opportunity when I was their age.”

Vatican guidelines state that prospective altar boys between the ages of eight and twelve-and-a-half are to attend a two week training camp staffed by a Roman Catholic branch of Promise Keepers. During the two week stay, the boys are groomed for the chase by participating in various running, tumbling and wrestling events.

“I was really concerned that the Roman Catholic priesthood might become a thing of the past,” said Fr. William McNeary, vocation director for the Washington Theological Union.

“Thanks to this event and the insight of our Blessed Father, the Church as we’ve come to know it will remain steadfast and unchanged. Why, it makes me want to be a seminarian again!”

Latin

I see that Pope Benedict just paved the way for the Latin Mass to return.
Yeah, like we didn't see that coming.

I'm sure all the Opus Dei and anti-abortion folks are just purring over this. This is the sort of thing they live for. Latin Mass equals "conservative agenda." I can just see it now -- the Latin Mass taking place and all these neo-conservatives just kicking back their heads and leaving wet spots in the pews . . .
. . . and not understanding a freaking word that's said. Typical.

Frankly, I'm all for it. Surprise.

I converted to Roman Catholicism in my early thirties and "guitar Masses" always bugged me. Here's a typical scene. You have this glorious cathedral with a giant pipe organ, unused. Up front is a lone guitarist strumming the chords to "On Eagle's Wings" or some other vomit-inducing song. How the hell are a thousand people supposed to sing to that?

So yes, I'm all for a little dignity placed back in the Mass. Hell, I'll even convert to Islam or become an Episcopalian if I encounter many more guitar-accompanied Masses.

But the main reason I'd like to attend a Latin Mass is because I was forced to take three years of Latin while in the seminary. And I hated every minute of it. Three years of suffering through Beginning Latin, Intermediate Latin and Advanced Latin. Damn it, I want to use it!

Beginning Latin: Basic vocabulary, noun declensions, verbs. I thought I was through after that. But no. They made me take
Intermediate Latin: Translating Cicero, etc., where you have one sentence a whole paragraph long and one little bitty verb at the end that applies to two different subjects in the sentence. Oh, okay. I thought, whew! I'm done, but noooo, they made me take
Advanced Latin: Comprised of translating Latin poetry where ALL the grammatical rules I'd learned so far didn't apply. It's poetry after all. By then, an understanding of Latin was supposed to be innate. Yeah, right. Rub a lamp.

Unlike these neo-conservatives who won't understand a single word or be able to keep up with the phrases, I'll know every word and their grammatical forms. Ha!

Three years of torturous Latin classes and I'll finally be able to use it!

So, when the priest says, "Dominus vobiscum," I'll be the one shrieking, "Et cum spiritu tua!"
"Pssst! That was the ablative form of 'you'."

Maybe I should just stay home and sleep late instead. . .

Christianity

Today, I couldn't think of anything to write about in my usual Dave Barry/Erma Bombeck style, so I'm going to offer some views on (gasp!) Christianity.

I just read where a large Presbyterian church in Pennsylvania has split because they couldn't agree on the role of the Trinity and the inerrancy of the Biblical scriptures.

That's pretty pompous if you ask me.

Having gone to grad school in theology and philosophy for longer than I care to remember, I've got a lot of studies under my belt along these lines. I'm not an expert by any means, but I can at least claim to be educated in this area.

I first attended the University of Dallas, a private Roman Catholic institution that had an extremely conservative slant on their studies. Opus Dei was very influential and they'd have these clandestine Latin Masses quite frequently. As far as the theology faculty at U.D. was concerned, Vatican II was just a vicious rumor.

At the University of Dallas, the Bible was the inspired word of God.

Then I did most of my studies at St. Michael's College at the University of Toronto. Very progressive as all things Canadian tend to be.

At the University of Toronto, the Bible was a record of human inspiration.

I had a Jesuit professor in Toronto who taught New Testament studies. I had him for a course on the Gospel of Matthew. Regarding if what was recorded in the gospels was really what Jesus said, he'd simply say, "When you get to heaven, ask him."

I like that.

Now, having completed all these studies, I no longer adhere to Christianity the way I used to. It's changed. It's deepened in some ways because it's been challenged.

The new Christian right wing, Bush included, has made much of Christianity repugnant to me and that's kind of sad. I don't view them as Christians, but rather, Christianists.

Having studied so much theology and philosophy, I realize that there's so much we don't know about the Creator, the Un-caused Cause, if you will. I think it's pretty arrogant to make such claims as the Trinity or whether the Bible is inerrant. I certainly don't pray to God for this and that. I don't know if God intervenes in our lives; I just don't.

I think that agnosticism is, actually, highly underrated.

I do believe that we humans have a supernatural ability, given from God if you will, to make use of affliction. My favorite philosopher, Simone Weil, says it best:
"The beauty in Christianity lies not in the fact that it provides a supernatural remedy for suffering, but a supernatural use of it."

Now, I'll go along with that.
I guess you could say I'm a Christian Agnostic.

I think a lot of the "Christianists" could certainly benefit by a healthy dose of agnosticism.