New Vatican Guidelines

Well, it’s not surprising, but a Catholic church in Melbourne Australia has embraced a Vatican recommendation to test potential priests for sexual orientation.

Under the guidelines, potential priests who "appear" to be gay must be banned.

I have just two words for Pope Benedict:

Glass Houses . . .

Can you believe that? Now I wonder what this “test” would involve. I envision that it might look something like this:

VATICAN SEXUALITY TEST

1. Salmon and champagne are:

a. food items
b. brunch items
c. The new color scheme of your guest bedroom.

2. You keep abreast of current events from which of the following:

a. Fox News
b. CNN
c. Lifetime Television and the Style Network

3. Here is a video of Michael Phelps and Anderson Cooper together in a pool. Do you:

a. ignore it
b. click on the link out of curiosity
c. email it to twenty friends and place it on your Facebook page.

4. A cardinal is:

a. a baseball player in St. Louis
b. a red bird
c. a senior church official who wears Prada and gold lamè

5. When dining out, what beverage do you usually request?

a. Beer
b. Merlot
c. A dirty martini at the waiter’s apartment

6. What is your position on same-sex marriage?

a. it should be banned in every country
b. it should be left to the states to decide
c. mine would need to be annulled before entering the seminary

7. With whom did you have your first sexual encounter?

a. a prostitute my dad paid for
b. myself
c. a senior church official wearing Prada and gold lamè

8. With whom did you prefer to have had your first sexual encounter?

a. the head cheerleader in high school
b. anyone but myself
c. a baseball player in St. Louis

EVALUATING THE RESULTS:

If you answered “A” to more than six questions, you would clearly not fit in to the Roman Catholic priesthood but your contact information will be kept on file by each priest in your diocese.

If you answered “B” to more than six questions, your suitability would be questionable and your contact information will be kept on file by each priest in your diocese.

If you answered “C” to more than six questions, congratulations! Welcome to the priesthood! Please limit yourself to no more than one dozen hat boxes when moving into the seminary.

Olympic Moments

Okay, I’ve been watching the Olympics each night. Well, as I said before, I Tivo it then fast forward through the boring stuff like beach volleyball and water polo.

My goodness, haven’t we seen enough of the swimmer, Michael Phelps? He’s already broken just about all the swimming records. He’s even broken the record for the most gold medals won by any athlete.

Enough already!

Frankly, I think he’s being a little selfish and should let some other swimmers win something. After all, 50 years from now when he’s telling his grandchildren about the Olympics is he really going to say, “If only I had gotten that twelfth gold medal, everything would be different.”

He should just bow out now and let someone else have a little glory. After all, there's probably some guy named Alymkan Oziris from Kyrgyzstan, busting his butt in the slim chance that he might go home with a paltry bronze medal.

I’ll admit that Phelps is a pretty incredible athlete. He consumes ten thousand calories a day, but look at him. You could grate nutmeg on those abs.

I, on the other hand, eat a Tic-Tac and have to rent a room at Crunch Fitness.

I was watching him set another record last night. Of course, after every race the camera pans up to his mom who is always bawling her eyes out in utter amazement. Last night, I yelled at her on the TV, “Oh just stop it! It’s not like you haven’t seen it before!”

Just once after he wins a race, I’d love for the camera to pan up to her while she’s sporting a big, huge yawn.

Ho-hum. Another gold medal.

Now that would truly be an Olympic Moment.