Billy Mays is Evil

Billy Mays is the Devil.

You know who I’m talking about; that guy on TV with the high shrill voice that peddles Ka-boom, Oxy-Clean and the like.

First of all, that VOICE makes me want to thrust a corkscrew in my eye. Awhile back, I wrote a satire article about him that was published. You can read it here.

His most recent item is a knife sharpener called the Samurai Shark that features tungsten-carbide blades and will sharpen any knife.

I thought, “Hey! I could use that!”

But wait!!!! If you order now, you get a second one FREE!

“But I only need one,” thought I.

But wait!!!! If you order now, you also get some poultry shears.

I thought, “OOooo! I need some poultry shears!” (I’d recently almost de-fingered myself trying to butterfly a chicken with a dull knife).

You also get a pair of super-scissors with the deal. All for the low price of only ten dollars!

Two Samurai Sharks, poultry shears and super-scissors for ten bucks. I almost called the toll-free number.

Then, I went on a site called As Seen on TV Reviews where one can read customer reviews of all these products.

So, here’s the catch:

There’s a $7.95 shipping-and-processing fee for EACH ITEM. Every one of those four items actually jacks up the price eight bucks. Every reviewer was complaining about being socked with an extra thirty-two bucks.

There’s also no way to call the Samurai Shark people to talk to an actual person. I tried to call them and ask for ONLY one sharpener, just to mess with them, but there’s no way to get through to an actual, live person.

Isn’t that just the smarmiest thing you’ve ever heard of?

A friend of mine’s mother buys ALL that stuff and gives him the “free” one. Egg peelers, tongs-that-double-for-whisks, pots that have colander lids; you name it, she buys it. He's given some of that stuff to me but it's all amazingly worthless.

(Ka-Boom is great, by the way. I love the stuff, but I can get it at the Bed, Bath and Beyond just down the street)

I know everyone has strong feelings toward some of the presidential candidates right about now. Clinton, Huckabee, Obama, whatever.

But for me, that Billy Mays guy is absolute evil incarnate.