I wrote a satire piece about Tom Cruise six years ago. Apparently, there is no law of diminishing satirical returns when it comes to this guy.
Katie Holmes Files for Divorce; Cruise Enters Addiction Treatment; Suri Safe with Family
DETROIT - After days of speculation
regarding the cause for Katie Holmes’ departure from her marriage to Tom Cruise,
details have recently surfaced that shed light on the mystery.
"Tom has bravely checked himself into a residential treatment center to deal
with a long-time addiction with which he has been struggling," reported
Holmes’ attorney, Sheldon Weinberg.
"It all began with a routine physical exam after Mr. Cruise had turned
fifty," reports family physician, Dr. Dan Henderson.
"In the ensuing weeks, he returned for more and more digital prostate
exams. Initially, I suspected that he might have a phobia of prostate cancer
and was being overly cautious. However, after he kept returning, I began to
have the sickening suspicion that Mr. Cruise was, in fact, obsessed with the
Dr. Henderson's suspicion was confirmed
when he saw Cruise on a late-night talk show.
"When I saw Tom do that fake laugh, the one where he shuts his eyes and
opens his mouth, I realized it was the same face he pulled during the digital
exam. Frankly, it gave me the creeps. I had to cut him off after that."
"Tom began 'doctor shopping' after his primary doctor had cut him
off," said Weinberg. "He saw hundreds of physicians across the U.S.,
Canada, and Europe in order to satisfy his addiction."
Grimacing, he continued, "He particularly favored the French physicians
because of their proclivity toward taking temperatures 'the old-fashioned way.
After Katie discovered him performing a self-exam in the shower, she questioned
what kind of a father and role model he'd be for Suri. That was when she
decided to leave the marriage and Tom, literally, hit bottom.”
Cruise is reportedly undergoing withdrawal symptoms at Stone Hawk Scientology Treatment
Center near Detroit. His treatment counselor, Dr. Robert Hubert, provided the
following explanation of Cruise's addiction.
Cruise suffers from Podexis Inritophilia—an
addiction to anal stimulation. While it is a rare condition and the cause is
unknown, it does seem to manifest itself in diminutive, hyper-masculine
subjects such as Mr. Cruise. But frankly, I've never seen of a case of Podexis-I more acute than his."
Dr. Hubert explained that Scientology promotes detoxification as the primary
mode of addiction treatment, "but even though colonic-irrigation therapy
is most often applied, we're foregoing it in favor of vitamin therapy because
we don't want to risk cross-addiction in Tom's case. Frankly, he faces a long,
tough road. He will most likely struggle with this disease for the remainder of
his life. I wish him the very best."
Dr. Hubert offered a final insight.
“Tom basically sabotaged the marriage. His
preoccupation with Scientology probably played a role along with his addiction. There are a number
of factors as to why Tom wasn’t happy in the marriage, but basically it boils
down to the fact that, well, Katie Holmes isn’t a dude.”
Labels: addiction, divorce, Katie Holmes, Scientology, Tom Cruise