Tom Cruise

I wrote a satire piece about Tom Cruise six years ago. Apparently, there is no law of diminishing satirical returns when it comes to this guy.

Katie Holmes Files for Divorce; Cruise Enters Addiction Treatment; Suri Safe with Family 

DETROIT - After days of speculation regarding the cause for Katie Holmes’ departure from her marriage to Tom Cruise, details have recently surfaced that shed light on the mystery.

"Tom has bravely checked himself into a residential treatment center to deal with a long-time addiction with which he has been struggling," reported Holmes’ attorney, Sheldon Weinberg.

"It all began with a routine physical exam after Mr. Cruise had turned fifty," reports family physician, Dr. Dan Henderson.

"In the ensuing weeks, he returned for more and more digital prostate exams. Initially, I suspected that he might have a phobia of prostate cancer and was being overly cautious. However, after he kept returning, I began to have the sickening suspicion that Mr. Cruise was, in fact, obsessed with the exam itself."

Dr. Henderson's suspicion was confirmed when he saw Cruise on a late-night talk show.

"When I saw Tom do that fake laugh, the one where he shuts his eyes and opens his mouth, I realized it was the same face he pulled during the digital exam. Frankly, it gave me the creeps. I had to cut him off after that."

"Tom began 'doctor shopping' after his primary doctor had cut him off," said Weinberg. "He saw hundreds of physicians across the U.S., Canada, and Europe in order to satisfy his addiction."

Grimacing, he continued, "He particularly favored the French physicians because of their proclivity toward taking temperatures 'the old-fashioned way. After Katie discovered him performing a self-exam in the shower, she questioned what kind of a father and role model he'd be for Suri. That was when she decided to leave the marriage and Tom, literally, hit bottom.”

Cruise is reportedly undergoing withdrawal symptoms at Stone Hawk Scientology Treatment Center near Detroit. His treatment counselor, Dr. Robert Hubert, provided the following explanation of Cruise's addiction.

"Mr. Cruise suffers from Podexis Inritophilia—an addiction to anal stimulation. While it is a rare condition and the cause is unknown, it does seem to manifest itself in diminutive, hyper-masculine subjects such as Mr. Cruise. But frankly, I've never seen of a case of Podexis-I more acute than his."

Dr. Hubert explained that Scientology promotes detoxification as the primary mode of addiction treatment, "but even though colonic-irrigation therapy is most often applied, we're foregoing it in favor of vitamin therapy because we don't want to risk cross-addiction in Tom's case. Frankly, he faces a long, tough road. He will most likely struggle with this disease for the remainder of his life. I wish him the very best."

Dr. Hubert offered a final insight.   

“Tom basically sabotaged the marriage. His preoccupation with Scientology probably played a role along with his addiction. There are a number of factors as to why Tom wasn’t happy in the marriage, but basically it boils down to the fact that, well, Katie Holmes isn’t a dude.”