I Had To Do It . . .
As I was watching the hugely extensive coverage of the Chilean miner rescue, I couldn't help but to think, "There's a satire article in there somewhere." I usually write satire when I'm annoyed by something; making fun of it is a form of therapy.
You've got to admit that the U.S. media has a tendency to go overboard with any sensational story. It took me less than an hour to write this:
Lohan Extrication Trumps Chilean Mine Coverage
RANCHO MIRAGE, CA – Worldwide media coverage of the Chilean miner rescue was suddenly dropped last night upon the news that Lindsay Lohan was about to be released from the Betty Ford Clinic after 18 days of in-patient confinement. As the 29th miner, Juan Carlos Aguilar, emerged from his 69-day entombment, most major networks had left the scene in order to make a sudden dash to Southern California.
CNN’s Anderson Cooper and medical correspondent, Sanjay Gupta, were among 1,500 journalists at the scene as Lohan’s black Mercedes slowly emerged through the gates of the notorious clinic. The famous pop star could be seen tightly squeezed in the back seat wearing a protective jumpsuit and sunglasses as the exuberant crowed cheered “Lind-say! Lind-say!” Repeatedly, groups of spectators broke out into singing the American national anthem throughout the night.
Rescue efforts in Chile were temporarily suspended while a special news feed of the "Lohan liberation" was relayed to the remaining miners.
Immediately upon Lohan's exodus from the confines of the clinic, Cooper breathlessly consulted with Gupta as they speculated about Lohan’s physical and psychological condition.
“Lohan was without the ability to tweet or text for 18 days,” reported Gupta. “That’s got to have an enormous psychological impact on a young woman who has been incredibly used to constant reassurance by means of social networking. Her self-esteem has probably taken a huge tumble and she faces a long road of recovery.”
"What's truly amazing is that she survived this long," observed Cooper, shaking his head thoughtfully.
Immediately after leaving the clinic, a special Larry King Live was aired by CNN for the next two hours. Video replays of the black Mercedes were aired repeatedly as a panel of mental health experts hypothesized about what the celebrity’s future might hold.
All major news networks in the U.S. continued with extensive coverage of the Lohan extrication throughout the night and well into the next day. CNN, MSNBC, and even Fox News all reported a ten-fold increase in viewership compared to that of the Chilean mine coverage. Book and movie deals detailing the historical event are reportedly already in the making.
As the last rescue worker, Pedro Rivero, emerged from 2,300 feet below, virtually all news media had left the scene.