Ten Rules

Okay, I was on a plane for a total of nine hours during this past weekend.

I have developed the following ten rules for fellow passengers.

1. If you’re a small woman who stands all of four-foot-three, you do not need to lean your seat all the way back. You just don’t. Especially if the guy behind you is six-foot-three. Have a little consideration.

2. You do not need to speak to your wife next to you in your loudest voice during the entire four hour flight. Especially if you’re an annoying redneck with a mullet speaking to your redneck wife. You just don’t. You’re annoying the entire cabin. A lot.

3. Just because you’re a guy, that doesn’t automatically give you permission to sit with your knees spread four feet apart. No one will think you’re less of a man if you sit with your knees close together. Well, they will but just get over it.

4. You don’t have to constantly gaze at what I’m doing on my laptop during the entire trip. I’m not watching porn. I’m watching back-to-back episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond. That’s it.
(Okay, that was actually me watching my seatmate’s laptop the whole time).

5. Please go pee before you get on the plane. You know that the flight attendants will have the aisles blocked with their beverage carts the moment we reach our cruising altitude. You’ll have the next three hours to pee all you want, so just hold it.

6. If your seatmate (me) has his nose in a book, that means he probably doesn’t want to visit with you. If the book is a 700-page biography of Eleanor Roosevelt, that probably means he’s a very boring person to visit with anyway. Please find something else to occupy your time.

7. When exiting the aircraft, do not suddenly halt the moment you reach the end of the gangway, causing ten passengers to tumble over you. Please proceed just a little further into the terminal before readjusting all your baggage or figuring out where you need to go.

8. The flight attendants are mainly there for our safety in the event of an emergency. Requiring more peanuts hardly constitutes a flight emergency.

9. The airplane is there to fly you from point A to point B; not to provide a fine dining experience. If you find yourself wanting to complain about food, ask yourself this question: “Can your kitchen fly?”

10. If your baby is screeching at the beginning of the flight so loud that it sounds like a psychotic pterodactyl and you’re able to quiet the little one for the rest of the four-hour flight, the airline should award you and yours with free round trip tickets. Period.

Now, please turn your attention to the flight attendants for a safety demonstration. . .