Thursday, July 09, 2009

Sears Tower Attraction Closed

It's been a while since I wrote a satire article. This one, however, was inspired by personal experience.

Sears Tower Attraction Closed Due to Multiple Injuries

CHICAGO IL - A sudden rash of injuries has forced officials of Chicago’s Sears Tower to close its newly-opened attraction called “The Ledge”; a terrifying skybox in which tourists can stand in a glass-enclosed cubicle suspended 1,353 feet above the city sidewalks.

Within moments of its opening, emergency rooms throughout the greater Chicago area were inundated with patients, all of whom were men who had recently stood in the glass-enclosed tourist attraction.

Kyle Weinberg, 24, of nearby Skokie, Illinois, was one of the first emergency room patients to arrive at Northwestern Medical Center near the Chicago landmark. His attending physician, Dr. Selima Meyer explained:

“Mr. Weinberg’s injuries were typical of most of the tourists we treated that day. Apparently, the experience of stepping out on a glass ledge 103 stories above the ground causes some pretty intense reactions. In men, the shock is so frightening that it causes the testicles to violently retreat upwards, sometimes far within the abdominal cavity.”

“It was just horrible,” exclaimed Weinberg. “My girlfriend was just fine and didn’t know why I had suddenly buckled into a fetal position. I never want to go near the Sears Tower again.”

Dr. Meyer continued: “Once the adrenaline subsides, the testicles gradually descend. It may take awhile, but they’ll make an appearance again within a day or two.”

One of the many families visiting the new attraction on opening day was the famous Duggar Family from Arkansas who star in the popular reality TV series, 18 Kids and Counting.

Jim Bob Duggar, the father of the now-famous 18 children, was also treated by Dr. Meyer that day.

She reported, “Unfortunately, Mr. Duggar’s reaction was so acute that an otorhinologist (eyes, ears, nose and throat specialist) had to be procured for testicle retrieval. I’m afraid that The Ledge rendered Mr. Duggar completely incapable of ever fathering anymore children.”

Michelle Duggar, Jim Bob's wife, was seen pumping her fist upon hearing the diagnosis.

The Ledge had remained open for less than a week before officials were forced to close the new multi-million dollar attraction.

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At 9:51 AM , Blogger Citymouse said...

bahhhahhhahhhha!!!! I just had my coffee come out of my nose.

At 12:10 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...
I think you of anyone would be relieved to know mays will no longer try to sell you anything.

At 12:46 PM , Blogger Miss Healthypants said...

LOL! :)

At 11:14 AM , Blogger MaryRuth said...

Good one! If I had had some coffee, I'm sure it would have come out of my nose too.


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