Thursday, February 16, 2006

Cheney Rampage Continues

Upon arriving home from a hunting trip in Texas, Vice-Prsident Dick Cheney discovered that his granddaughter's puppy, Morrison, had accidently soiled a priceless Persian rug in the vice-presidential home.
The seven-week old Basset hound had been recently acquired by Cheney as a birthday gift and had yet to be house trained. Having been under extreme emotional stress after the shooting in Texas, Cheney procured a shovel and fatally assaulted the puppy.

His granddaughter spent the next eighteen hours calling for Morrison before Cheney finally informed her that the puppy had gone to heaven.

Friday, February 10, 2006

Designer Toilet Paper Featured at Olympic Village

Athletes competing at 20th Winter Olympic Games were surprised to find designer toilet paper featured in their bathrooms throughout the Olympic Village in Turin (Torino) yesterday.

"We wanted to ensure that Turin's most identifying feature was evident throughout the Village," said Turin's mayor, Sergio Chiamparino. "After all, when the world thinks of Turin, what immediately comes to mind?"

The one-of-a-kind toilet paper has been a big hit with the athletes. "Every time I blow my nose or use the toilet, I'm reminded that I finally made it to Turin!" claims champion ice skater, Michelle Kwan. "I'm just so excited to be here!"

Thursday, February 09, 2006

NASCAR Fans Riot Over Earnhardt Caricature

Thousands of NASCAR fans erupted into violent protests over a caricature of their icon, Dale Earnhardt, that was recently published in a Florida newspaper.

Across the South where Earnhardt has experienced almost a cult status, hundreds of mobile home parks were set ablaze after an unflattering caricature of their idol had been published as an expression of 1st Amendment rights.

From Tallahassee to Houston, hundreds of evangelical church services erupted into flag-burning protests Sunday as angry crowds chanted with their fists raised. "No dignity to a nation where Dale is blasphemed!" cried out one woman as she hurled a Tupperware bowl of nine-bean "trash" salad during a church supper. "That's what comes after insulting our sacred values," she continued.

A spokesperson for Earnhardt's fan club said that no compromise would be considered until the publication apologized for the cartoon.