Solving the National Deficit

Texting still baffles me.

Used to be, I found that I'd never text anyone. No way, no how.

If someone texted me with the inane message, "Wat u up to"

I would simply call the sender with an actual phone call from my cell phone.

You know -- like God intended.
They would never answer.

WHY NOT??

You just sent a digital message to me that required you to poke at least eleven keystrokes onto your device, you dolt, and now you haven't the ability to hit one button that enables us to speak at 250 wpm?

Grrrrrr!

So, yes, there have been moments when I did text someone;  tiny blurbs of info that I think someone should receive in digital form.

With one friend of mine, I'll  text her with one word here and there to remind myself what we should remember to talk about when we DO talk.

She'll say, "Okay, you've got

'Amish' and 'beagle' and 'Sea-bean' and 'dog poo'. .

. . Go!"

And, we're off! . . it works.

That's one instance when texting has been beneficial.

But I walk down the street and, just about everyone I pass, I think, "They send text messages. What are they sending that they don't want to talk about?"

That's what texting seems to be all about; that young people are essentially reluctant to verbalize their thoughts to one another; just a huge, vacuous, digital vent.

Here are two proposals to solve the nation's deficit:

1)  A ten-cent charge-per-keystroke to every text.

Hmm? 

All revenue would go to the Social Security and Medicare treasury.

Spoiled children without an ability to control yourselves?  

You've just caused our national revenue to skyrocket, you little darlings.

Make all cell phone calls free. (and voice mails -- and translate all voice mails into emails)

Let's actually speak to each other like human beings. 

What an idea!

2) A Discourse Article Fee

Every time that anyone under the age of 30 uses the word, "like" as a useless discourse article, their cell phone charges them five dollars and adds it to the National Treasury.

"I just, like, asked him if he'd, like, take me to, like, the Justin Bieber concert and he was, like, 'Why should I, like, take you' and I was, like, 'cause you should, and then I was, like, . . ."
  
Booom! 
Thirty-five dollars every fifteen seconds times forty-thousand.

Dang it.

I think I've just about solved the national financial crisis.

I'm a Texting Convert

For a long time, I have truly disdained this horrible activity called "texting".

Maybe I'm becoming an elitist old fuddy-duddy, but I think texting "ok kewl c u" will truly be the downfall of the written English language. Kids will foget how to speak except for using the word, "like" at least five times in every sentence. Humans will evolve into beings that have little more than two giant thumbs, all because of endless texting.

I hate it when I receive a text that says, "where u at". I want to call the person back and say, "I am at a place where one does not end a sentence with a preposition!"

See? Old fuddy-duddy.

I didn't think I'd ever see any value in texting - - -

- - - until now.

A friend of mine and I often talk on the phone and in our "old age" we've often found ourselves saying, "Oh, there was something I wanted to tell you, but now I can't remember what it was." This has been happening quite a lot and there appears to be no sign of it abating.

She suggested that when we think of something we want to say later on, we text a word or two to each other so that we'll remember later on what we wanted to talk about.

It's worked like a charm. Here are some of the words I've texted:

Sandalwood

Whorl

Sheraton

Dorthese

Gerbil

Later, conversations have ensued in the most efficient manner. I've fully embraced this technique.

Yes, I've always hated texting because I'm of an older generation. The ironic thing is, I've found a use for texting precisely because I'm getting old and forgetful.

Don't Ask, Don't Text

Today, I did something I've never done before. Something incredibly drastic.

"Oh my gosh!  What was that?" you ask.

For the first time in my life, I didn't tip a cab driver.

I was late going to choir rehersal this morning, so I took a cab rather than walk the nine blocks. I hopped in the cab (which are always conveniently parked here at Marina Towers, just waiting for me when I'm running late) and announced my destination, "corner of Rush and Huron, please."

As we were pulling out of the plaza, I noticed he was texting away on his Blackberry-type device. (Really! Can you believe that?) Yes, texting.

After about a block of feeling incredulous, I realized how dangerous this was. Yes, I had my seatbelt on, but he could easily injure or kill a pedestrian. And then I would have really been late to rehersal. Besides, it's against the law in Chicago. So, I said, "Scuse me, but you really shouldn't be texting. Okay?"

He mumbled an apology and put it away. Then, he picked up a cell phone and began thumbing away on that. So, I said, "Hey, you know, it's really not safe to be texting while driving. REALLY."

He held up his cell phone as he was thumbing away on it and said he wasn't texting. But then, I could see him continue to poke away on it as he held it down on the seat beside him, trying to hide it from me.

By that time, we had arrived at my distination.

The cab fare was $4.85. I gave him a five.

I'm used to cab drivers continuously talking away on their hands-free cell phones. That's a given. I don't know who they're talking to or why there's a need for them to constantly be visiting with someone else (at least they're not trying to make small-talk with me -- I really don't like that.) But texting?
TEXTING???

Oh, and there was a sign in the back of the cab: "For complaints or to report unsafe driving, call 311. Cab number ####."

I SO called it.